Steps
by NotYetLostFaith
Summary: "Hi, I hope you forgive me one day for this..."
1. Chapter 1

_*Watches the tumble weeds roll by*_

Umm, hi.

I know, I haven't done this for a really time and I'm sorry, but life and my original story had to take priority.

I _will_ get back to all my stories as soon as humanly possible. I promise.

Hopefully the new year will be really good for me writing wise.

Meanwhile, this is a new story to tide you over for a bit :D

I hope you like it.

Just in case I don't upload again before Thursday, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, have fun, eat, drink and be merry and may you all have a safe and happy time.

NYLF xx

* * *

_The young woman threw back her shot and perused the dance floor. The pulsing beat of the music blaring from the speakers was thumping in her chest, manipulating her heart beat even as the alcohol danced in her bloodstream. _

_She was so very drunk, so very out of place but in a dress that barely covered her ass, the purple Lycra tight enough to advertise that she wasn't wearing any underwear, the bouncers didn't give her a second glance as they waved her through. _

_She slid from her stool, wobbling just a little on her six inch stiletto heels. _

_With her hips swinging involuntarily to the beat of the music, she made her way to the middle of the floor. Tonight she was going to get drunk and flirt with a stranger. Tomorrow morning, when she woke up, she'd be free in that blissful haze of non-memory. _

_She danced for a few minutes before a possessive hand slid across her hip and onto her stomach, pulling her back into a decidedly male chest. _

"_Mind if I cut in, gorgeous?" A voice husked in her ear, barely loud enough to be heard over the music. She shivered as she smiled, tipping back into the stranger, pressing her body against him._

"_So long as you can keep up." She teased, earning a growl from her dance partner as he slid his other hand around to meet the first, cradling her pelvis as he swung both of their hips to the beat. _

_Innumerable time and shots later, he cupped her head and kissed her for the first time. _

_It was possessive and primal but had edges of sweetness and tenderness to it that had her moaning into his mouth in response. He groaned, pulling her impossibly closer, pressing his hand at the base of her back, his fingertips flirting with where her panties would end, as he pulled her pelvis into the cradle of his hips. _

_He pulled away but didn't go far. _

"_Are you even wearing panties, you bad girl?" He growled before latching onto her neck and sucking gently, not enough to bruise, but enough to make her knees tremble. _

"_You, you wanna go find out?" She panted, leaning into his head as she cradled him close._

_He pulled up sharply, more than one question swimming in his eyes. _

_He took her hand, pulling it to rest on his chest even as his other hand cupped her waist. He pulled her close and leaned down to talk into her ear, shouting to be heard over the thumping beat of the music._

"_You sure you wanna do this? I'm only gonna break your heart." _

_She shook her head. "Can't break what's already broken." _

_He leaned back, shooting her a look that, in any other circumstance, she would call concern. She waved him away, pulling him closer again with a hand at the back of his neck. _

"_You're seriously telling me you don't want to?" She teased, her hand dipping dangerously low on his abdomen, proving to herself just how much he did indeed want to do this._

"_Just warning you." He winked before grabbing her hand and dragging her, at a run, from the club, listening as she laughed all the way out to the cab._

The young girl sniffed, wiped her nose with the back of her coat sleeve and looked over her shoulder.

No one could see her doing this, she couldn't allow it. No one would understand. This would be the best option. He would know what to do better than she would.

She wiped away her tears before turning back to the bundle in her arms.

The baby girl slept on soundly, unaware of what was about to happen, unaware that she was about to be abandoned.

The teenager's brow furrowed at the thought.

She wasn't _abandoning_ her. He was her _father. _He would be a better option for this tiny, perfect angel, than her mother. Her off the rails, stuck in a grief spiral mother. The teenager shook her head. She couldn't believe she was about to do this. How could she just give up her baby like this?

Reality was a sharp kick to her gut.

No one even knew she'd been pregnant. She'd hidden it for all this time. Keeping the baby wasn't an option, no matter how much she loved her.

With one more look behind her, the young woman climbed the steps and pulled open the door. She slipped silently past the reading doorman, thanking her good fortune. How she would explain this had he caught her, she had no idea.

The elevator was silent and smooth.

She used the time to memorise her daughter's tiny beautiful face. This being the last time she'd see her, her first and only day with her.

She shook her head, holding the baby close. This _was _the best option. It hurt, felt like she was leaving her heart behind, but it gave her perfect baby daughter the best chance in life.

No matter how much it would hurt her mother, it would save the infant so much pain long term.

The young woman left the elevator after a quick look to see she was alone.

She walked swiftly to the front door, her brain being assaulted by the memories of him, them.

He'd pressed her against this door so gently, tender in his caresses despite the alcohol coursing through both of their systems.

He was drinking off a divorce and she had been his port in the storm. But he had cradled her so gently, held her so fervently, touched her like she was the most delicate of laces and had politely not asked about the tears deserting her eyes, even as he erased them with the soothing touch of his thumb across her cheek.

She repressed the memories, knowing they would do nothing to ease her pain, her loneliness, and knelt before the door slowly.

Her tiny miracle shifted a little in her blanket and it made the young mother pause before she took herself in hand and carefully placed the tiny bundle on the floor just in front of the door.

She gently traced her finger across her baby's cheek before leaning over her to kiss her forehead, lingering for a lot longer than necessary, knowing this would be the last time she saw the girl.

With a heavy heart she stood and hesitated just a handful of seconds before raising her fist and knocking on the door sharply.

It was the middle of the night, in reality he may not even be home.

She waited a heart beat before running to the end of the corridor, hiding behind the wall so she could see the door, but whomever opened it wouldn't see her.

Time seemed to slow horrendously.

Her heartbeat in her ears was drowning out all any sound.

Suddenly, the door opened and there he was.

Richard Castle, Rick, stood tall and proud, just like he had that night.

He looked so safe, and warm, and she knew if they had met in different circumstances, she would have loved to take him up on his offer to stay the night.

But she was toxic, no good for him, and especially bad for the tiny girl he was currently not seeing.

Rick looked around, up and down the hall, looking for the source of the knocking he'd heard.

He was just about to turn around and go back to his bed when a quiet noise from the general direction of his feet caught his attention.

Rick looked down and gasped.

Babies left on doorsteps was a thing of fairy tales and legends, wasn't it?

No one actually opened their door in the middle of the night to find a neatly wrapped baby human on the other side.

Apparently that's what was happening though.

He crouched down and gently scooped the infant into his arms, holding it close. He quickly looked it over and found the neatly folded piece of paper tucked into the blanket.

Keeping the baby against his chest with one hand, he opened the note with the other.

_Hi,_

_I hope you forgive me one day for this. It's a girl, by the way. She was born on the fourth of November, at nine fifty six in the morning. You were the first stop when I left the hospital. _

_I can't raise her. I'm such a toxic influence, she'll be safer away from me. _

_Obviously, I would like her to go to you. I'd love for you to raise her, but I realise that leaving a baby on your doorstep doesn't guarantee that you'll raise her. I do understand if you think she'll be better off with someone else but, please, make sure she's safe. _

_There isn't a lot I can say, I know, given that I left her on a stranger's doorstep just hours after she was born, but at least I left her on her _father's_ door. _

_You saved me a thousand times that night, Rick, and I will never be able to thank you enough. I have never been in love, but that night, I think it's the closest I've ever been. Thank you. _

_She, she doesn't have a name. I didn't feel like I had the right to make that decision for her but, in case you were wondering, I like Rebecca. Though, there's no obligation for that. _

_I'm sorry, I don't really know what to say here. Just, keep an eye on our daughter? Please? _

_Despite my actions tonight, I _do _love her. So very much. In any other life, she would be the centre of my universe but, I can't give her that. But I hope I _can_ give her _you.

_Every decision I've made tonight has been out of love for her, I promise you that. _

_Paint me to be the monster under her bed if you have to, but keep her safe, make her happy, love her. That's all I ask. _

_I'm sorry._

Rick looked around one more time before sighing, folding the note again and putting it in his pocket. He looked down at the tiny child in his arms for a few seconds. Apparently this was his flesh and blood, his daughter. He'd, of course, have to verify that but... he sighed and shook his head before going back inside and closing the door, his daughter safe against his chest.

The young woman sighed in relief, sagging against the wall as she finally let her tears fall freely.

Her daughter was safe, her job was done.

She made sure the coast was clear, before making her way back to the elevator, and heading out of the building.

Making a vow to clean her life up, to be the woman her daughter needed as a mother, despite knowing the likelihood she'd ever see her again was slim, she hailed a cab and headed home.

Her baby was safe. That's all that mattered.


	2. Chapter 2

_Eleven years later..._

Castle strolled into the bullpen, only to find himself arrested on the spot, when he saw Kate talking to her apparent new boyfriend.

Josh.

Dr Motorcycle Boy.

Castle shook his head at himself. He'd ranted to his daughter about him a couple of nights ago- when the good doctor had picked Kate up from the precinct and Kate had introduced him- she'd told him to be chivalrous.

It wasn't hard to miss his feelings for her, but this summer had been hard on everyone, and Castle didn't want to rush his detective.

Or himself, if he was totally honest.

After an extended moment leaning in to Josh, talking and _giggling, _she finally looked up and spotted him, an expression on her face he couldn't place. It looked a little like defiance, a little like hurt and a lot like guilt.

Castle shook himself out of it, and made his way over, depositing her coffee beside her with a polite nod to the doctor.

"I'll see you later, okay? Text me about dinner." Josh murmured, just loud enough for the writer to hear, before cupping the side of Kate's neck and kissing her cheek.

Kate nodded and smiled as he left, before picking up her coffee and turning to Castle.

"Thanks, needed this." She shot him a small smile, before turning back to her desk.

"No problem." He nodded, well aware of the awkwardness between them. "So, anything new in murder land?"

Kate huffed a laugh. "Nope, just paperwork. You don't have to be here, if you don't want to."

Rick shrugged. "Mother and the offspring are out. There's nothing else on my agenda."

"Nice to know we're so high on your list." Kate murmured, logging in her computer to start the day.

Castle smiled. "You're very high on my list, detective."

Kate fought hard to not blush, making the writer's smile grow.

A few hours later, Castle was making paper-clip necklaces, reading Kate's notes aloud, so she could type them up, when his phone buzzed loudly against the desk, making them both startle.

"Sorry." Castle apologised hurriedly, picking up his phone and answering it in one move. "Hello?"

Kate tuned him out as he wandered towards the Break Room to take the call.

"Gina." She whispered to herself, the word sounding bitter even to her own ears.

It was several minutes later, where Kate had tried to not eavesdrop on his harsh tones coming from behind the closed door, when Rick came out and dropped his cell into the pocket of his jacket, on the back of his chair.

"Everything okay?" Kate asked gently.

Rick shrugged. "Not really." He shook his head as he rolled down his sleeves, Kate feeling a tiny spark of disappointment when he put his arms away. "Gina needs me in a meeting I completely forgot about and can't really get out of."

Kate shrugged a shoulder. "Annoyed because you actually have to do your job?"

"Ha ha, no." Rick smiled. "No, I need to go pick my kid up in an hour and I won't be able to get there and mother has an audition, so needs to leave as soon as they're done, and I now have to find someone to pick her up." He sighed frustratedly, shrugging on his jacket, plucking his phone out, presumably to call in a favour.

"I, I could do it?" Kate suggested hesitantly, shocking them both.

"Don't you have to work?" Castle asked cautiously.

"I'll talk to Montgomery, take a half day. It's fine. If, I mean, if you wanted me to?"

"If you could Kate, you'd be an absolute life saver." He gushed, making the detective's chest warm at the use of her first name.

"It'll be fine. I'll go talk to him now. Text me the address, yeah?"

"You're brilliant. Absolute life saver. She's great, you'll love her." Rick impulsively leaned in and kissed her cheek before running towards to elevator.

Kate sat frozen for a few seconds, caught completely off guard by the physical contact, before pulling herself together and going to talk to her Captain.

* * *

Kate pulled up at the address Castle had texted her, and took a moment to breathe.

It was just Castle's daughter.

It wasn't like this was a big deal.

Except that it _was_.

Because this was the first time she'd met the girl.

Because this was the first time that he'd asked her to do _anything_ this important for him.

He trusted her to bring his _daughter_ home safely and that was _huge_.

She shook her head at herself, before grabbing her bag and getting out the car.

"Man up, Kate." She murmured to herself.

* * *

She was leaning against the wall casually, her head tilted upwards, trying to soak up as much of the sun as she could, before she had to trap herself back in her car, when she heard Martha's voice.

"Trust me, Kate is a wonderful person. And besides, there's nothing to be nervous about. Your father will be done in an hour or so, and Detective Beckett is only going to take you home and stay with you until he arrives. There's nothing to worry about, sweet girl."

Kate stood up properly and grabbed the door just as Martha reached it.

"Oh, thank you, Kate." She smiled, as Kate did, before walking past her.

A few seconds passed, Kate still holding the door for Castle's daughter, who had obviously been with her grandmother a few moments before, when Martha shot Kate an apologetic look and turned back to the door.

"Darling, will you come on? There is nothing to be afraid of, and I need to get going, my girl. I'm sure Kate doesn't want to be standing on the street, until your father arrives, either."

Kate felt her chest tighten.

The girl was so afraid of her that she didn't want to see her?

What had Castle _told_ her?

She heard a sigh before the young girl exited the building, wheelchair and all.

Her caramel curls covered her face, as she wheeled herself out of the door and over to her grandmother to hug her goodbye. Martha hugged her back and kissed the top of her head, before turning to Kate.

"Thank you for this, Kate." She smiled warmly. "Richard shan't be long, and his darling daughter will be an angel for you, I'm sure. Should you have any problems though, we both have our cell phones."

Kate nodded, accepting the hug from the elder woman. "Of course, Martha, but I'm sure we'll be fine."

Martha nodded with a maternal smile and kissed the top of the child's head once again, before running to the street and flagging down a cab.

Kate turned to the little girl, apparently in her charge for the next hour or so, and stood silently watching, hoping to let her make the first move.

"Hi." It was the tiniest of whispers, but it was progress none the less.

"Hey. I'm Kate." The detective offered quietly.

The girl nodded. "I know. You work with my dad. He talks about you all the time."

Kate suppressed a smile. "Am I going to be calling you Little Castle, or would you rather tell me your name?" She asked lightly, having no issue with doing this at her pace. Kate wasn't the one left with a stranger right now.

"Becca." She whispered. "My name is Becca." She lifted her head slowly to look the detective up and down. "You're very pretty, Kate." She murmured.

The detective blushed. "Thank you. So are you."

Becca shook her head, her hands nervously pulling at her wheels slightly, making her rock back and forth. "I look like Professor X."

Kate chuckled. "Is that a bad thing?"

Becca shrugged. "It's just temporary, that's what they're saying anyway."

Kate smiled. "That's good, then."

Never sure how long small talk was supposed to go on for, Kate shifted from one foot to the other, anxiously.

"You um, you ready to go home or..." She drifted off, leaving the question open.

Becca didn't move.

"No trouble. We can hang here. I don't mind." Kate smiled, finding herself a little nervous now.

Becca hesitated, before lifting her head completely so Kate could see her face for the first time. "We, we could go. I guess. But uh, you're gonna have to help me get in your car."

Kate smiled softly. "Not a problem, Kiddo."

* * *

Author's Note-Yes, Josh is in this, no, Alexis isn't. Everything else will be explained in due course. NYLF xx


	3. Chapter 3

After some very awkward and embarrassing manoeuvring on both sides, Kate managed to get Becca in and back out of her car.

After following the girl's clear instructions, to the letter, of how to put her wheelchair back together, Kate helped her transfer back into her chair and then pointedly ignored the frustrated and humiliated blush coating the young girl's face.

"You need me to push you or...?" Kate asked, cautiously.

Becca shook her head quickly. "No, thank you, I'm good." She babbled hurriedly, and rolled away from the car, while Kate gathered her stuff and locked the car.

She set her head in her hands for a moment. "Well done Katie, nice one. First meeting, and you've embarrassed the hell out of her. Great."

* * *

After the most silent and strained elevator ride of her life, Kate followed Becca to the loft door, watching, impressed, as she wheeled to the door, three-point-turned to get side on, and unlocked the door with the key from her purple plaid shirt pocket.

Kate smiled when the girl pushed open the door and invited her in. "That was awesome."

Becca shrugged. "I've been doing it for a couple of months, you get used to it."

She made her way over to the couch and transferred herself, before pulling the chair out of the way and turning to Kate.

"Dad'll be back soon enough. Gina keeps going on about these meetings he's avoiding, but he can usually get out pretty fast. Not like he wants to hang around."

Kate finished hanging her coat up and looked at the child, confused. "He doesn't want to spend time with Gina after them?"

Becca scoffed. "Would you want to hang around with the person you rather dramatically left in the summer?"

Kate paused to take that in.

She wouldn't ask the girl, that wasn't fair, but she'd have to find a way to bring it up later with Castle.

The detective made her way to the kitchen, opening the refrigerator, only to stare for a few seconds, before closing it again. "You hungry?" She called out to the couch.

"Not really. You can help yourself to whatever you like though. Dad won't mind." Becca replied, sighing as she hauled herself back into her chair and rolled through the open-plan-space to meet her chaperone. "So, you're the famous Detective Kate Beckett, huh?"

Kate chuckled, switching on his coffee maker to make herself a cup. "That depends _entirely_ on what your dad has told you."

Becca giggled and Kate felt the atmosphere lift at the sound. "Mostly good things. He says you're frustrating, but apart from that, apparently you're pretty awesome."

Kate smiled softly, leaning against the counter. "I've heard a lot about you too. Never your name but..." She tailed off, smirking.

Becca shrugged with a small smile. "Habit. Dad tries to keep me out of the public eye, as much as is humanly possible for someone like him. He doesn't mention me to many people. You basically have to be blood or hired, and _highly_ vetted, security to know my name. He can get overprotective, knowing what kind of a stir him not being with my mom especially, would cause but, I understand and appreciate the effort."

Kate smiled softly. "He's a good dad. One of the best I've seen."

Becca shrugged. "Don't tell him that, his head already struggles to fit through the door."

Beckett laughed, making the young girl smile.

"Say Kate, you mind if I go get changed? Physio, y'know?"

Kate shook her head, turning to grab her mug. "Course not. You got it or you need a hand?"

"Nah, I got it." She smiled and rolled away. "Cheers for offering though." She called over her shoulder.

Kate shook her head with a smile, taking her cup with her as she started to look around.

* * *

Castle's home was impressive.

That couldn't be denied, but it was still homely.

There were huge black and white prints on the wall, very art-deco Kate thought, but it was the full colour collage on the wall behind the couch, between the windows, that caught her eye.

What looked like a collection of professional photographs and spontaneous snaps, of Baby Becca Castle through the years.

It was beautiful.

Mostly portraits of the girl, only about four of them included her dad, but there wasn't a mother figure in them anywhere.

* * *

Kate sighed, sipping her coffee slowly.

Castle had enough on his plate, without trying to raise a daughter single handedly. Let alone a daughter who apparently, however short term, couldn't currently walk.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket, bringing her out of her introspection sharply.

"Beckett." She answered habitually.

"Hey, I presume you're at the loft by now." Rick's rushed voice reached her, a smile she'd deny later creasing her face at the sound.

"Yeah, Becca's just getting changed." She replied happily.

"Great, listen, this meeting is gonna take longer than I thought it would. I'm sorry. Are you good to stay with her for a while? She'll be as good as gold and there's plenty of food in, if you wanted to cook, or I'll reimburse you if you wanted to get take out. If you can't stay, I'll come get her and bring her here. I'd rather not do that, but I know you're a busy woman..."

"Hey, Castle, calm down, okay? It's fine. We'll be fine. Take as much time as you need." She reassured him quickly.

"I owe you one, Kate. I really do. Becca's meds are in the cupboard above the stove, if she needs them. She gets achy after physio. She's pretty independent, but she may need help in and out of her brace."

"Got it." Kate smiled.

"I know, you're brilliant and I'm worrying unnecessarily, I know. But I'm available at any time, okay? You're on my do not disturb list, so you'll get through. If you need to, call me. No meeting is that important."

Kate's smile widened. "I know. I'm on it, Castle. I promise. I've got it. And you don't owe me anything, Rick."

She heard him sighed softly down the line. "You're pretty great, you know that?"

"Yeah." She chuckled. "Now get back to it. The faster you finish the meeting, the faster you can come home."

At his gasp, she realised how that sounded.

She'd meant to say '_go_ home'.

'_Come_ home' sounded far too domestic for where they were in their non-relationship.

"Yeah." She heard him sigh. "I'll be home as soon as I can."

Kate nodded, despite the knowledge he couldn't see her. "See you soon."


	4. Chapter 4

Castle let himself into the loft, a couple of hours later, frustration pouring off of him, and was intrigued by the absolute silence of his home.

Becca was his daughter, the framed sheet of paper in his wall safe- where she would never see it- proved that. That meant that she was about as hyper as he was; the loft was hardly ever silent when she was home.

"Beck?" He called as he hung up his coat. "You home, honey?"

"In here, dad." He heard her faintly reply from the direction of the downstairs bedroom, that she had commandeered when they had gotten home after their horrendous summer. It had been his, but her limited mobility meant she needed the ground floor bedroom and bathroom more than he did. He hadn't minded at all.

Rick made his way through his office and came to a halt in the bedroom doorway.

Kate Beckett was sitting on his daughter's bed, surrounded by glitter and sequins and stickers, his daughter propped up against the headboard, her back brace between them.

The grin on Becca's face made her father's heart glad. It had been a long time since he'd seen her this happy.

"Hey, kiddo." He smiled, making his way over to sit on the edge of the bed and kiss her cheek. "What are you two up to?"

"I transferred into the shower chair while Kate was making coffee and had a shower after physio, but my arms hurt and I got a bit stuck." Becca started, her author father having instilled the importance of the story in her from the moment she could form sentences.

Kate watched unobtrusively, but could still clearly see the fear that flashed in her partner's eyes.

"Did you fall?" He asked quickly, his body tensing, ready to jump to her rescue it seemed.

"No." Becca reassured him softly. "I'm okay. I didn't hurt myself."

Castle relaxed slightly.

"But I pushed the intercom button that you had installed and asked Kate to come help me."

The look of absolute gratitude and admiration Castle gave her, had Kate blushing as she dropped her gaze to her lap.

"She opened the door and threw a towel at me, told me to cover up." Becca giggled. "She then asked how she could help. I..." Becca dropped her gaze.

"Beck?" Rick asked gently, sliding his hand over hers on the mattress.

"She could barely hold herself up. She asked me to help her transfer but it was only her pride asking, we both knew she wouldn't be strong enough to hold her weight, even if I supported her arms. So I asked if she'd be okay if I picked her up." Kate filled in, remembering how embarrassed the girl had looked when she'd realised she couldn't do it by herself.

Rick looked from his daughter to his partner, smiling softly. Kate shrugged.

"I just put her in her chair and pushed her to the dresser. We realised pretty quickly that one, she'd need pain meds before she could do anything strenuous and two, she needed something soft and easy to get into."

Castle then noticed that his daughter was actually in one of his own button down shirts. He looked to Kate in askance, making her shrug again.

"I asked her where you kept the laundry, figured you wouldn't mind."

"Course not." He smiled and Kate noticed that he was slowly, gently, stroking his daughter's hand. It made her smile.

"I couldn't put my brace back on." Becca murmured. "It hurt too much and, I have another blister." She admitted quietly.

Castle sighed, making Kate's chest tight.

"Kate got my cream and put it on, gave me my meds, helped me into your shirt. We got to talking about how ugly my brace is."

The wry smile that crossed her partner's face had Kate thinking that this was probably a recurrent conversation.

"She offered to help me decorate it, so long as you wouldn't mind. She wanted to call and check." Becca giggled but Castle saw Kate's cheeks flush. She was trying so hard to not overstep boundaries and upset him, the first time she met his kid. He'd have to thank her later. "But I told her that you wouldn't mind, which is right, right?"

"You know, provided you don't break or damage it, I don't mind what you do, baby. You have to wear it. I want you to be comfortable."

"Exactly, so we started decorating it." His daughter smiled.

He looked down then, taking in their masterpiece. The plain tan brace was now almost completely purple along one side, sequins placed with such precision that they covered the entire area. Each gap in the middle of a sequin was filled with a tiny amount of glitter. Rick then noticed that the edges where white, and it seemed to fold over onto the inside of the brace.

"What's this?" He asked, stroking his finger across it to find it was padded.

"I had an ankle brace when I was younger for about a month. My mom padded the edges with medical dressings, it stopped the blisters at the edges. I ran to the pharmacy and bought some, figured it might help."

Rick gave her a look she couldn't interpret.

"I made sure she had a phone next to her and gave her my number. I walked fast. I was only gone ten minutes, tops." She defended.

Castle shook his head. "No, just, I'm not angry. It's just, that was really considerate."

Kate shrugged, feeling her face heat up when Castle smiled at her.

"Kate's really good at this too. She did all the sequins. She used a toothpick and everything. She's really creative." Becca gushed, making the older woman laugh.

"Just following orders, Little Castle." She saluted, causing Becca to laugh.

Rick shook his head. "Well, it looks awesome. But do you need it back on Becca?"

The little girl hesitated. "I don't want to put it back on tonight. It hurts too much." She murmured, not making eye contact with her dad. Kate subtly looked away, not wanting to get involved.

"Becca, you need to wear it. It's the only way you're gonna get better, babe." Castle reminded her gently.

"No." She replied stubbornly.

"Rebecca, don't start. You've clearly had fun with Kate, don't get like this now." Castle wasn't angry, but he was clearly frustrated. He could feel his earlier frustration returning, the emotion flooding his body.

"Please, daddy." Becca pleaded. "Just for a _little_ while longer?"

He sighed softly. "Beck..."

"Kate and I ordered Chinese, I've eaten and taken my meds, it's nearly seven. How about I just stay here and put a DVD on? Then I can stay in bed, and I won't transfer, and I'll call you if I need to. I just really don't want to wear it."

Castle leaned in and kissed her crown. "Okay. Okay, baby. You put on a DVD and stay here and yeah, you can leave your brace off for the rest of the night. You're here tomorrow anyway so you can take it easy. You promise to call me if you need to move?"

"I promise." She nodded.

"Okay." Rick stood up and grabbed the laptop off her desk in the corner of the room. "Here." He put it beside her, picking up the brace carefully and putting it on the desk to keep it out of the way.

Once he had collected the few DVD's Becca had chosen and put them within her reach, he and Kate left the room, leaving the girl to it.

* * *

Rick led Kate out to the couch and let her sit down, before sinking into his seat beside her.

"You okay?" Kate asked softly.

Rick shrugged. "Meeting was tough." He murmured. "Gina's being difficult, says I need to have the next three chapters with her by the end of the month. I'm not sure she quite gets that my kid needs constant attention right now."

Kate debated the wisdom of bringing it up now, but her natural curiosity got the better of her. She wasn't sure, though, if Becca would get into trouble for telling her Castle's personal business, and she wouldn't drop her in it. "Surely she gets it more than anyone, being your girlfriend?" Kate asked softly.

Castle scoffed. "Not my girlfriend."

"What happened?" His partner asked, genuinely concerned.

She may have been ready to go away with Castle, and may have been crushed when Gina had turned up, but she seemed to make Castle happy, and that was what really mattered to Kate.

Castle shrugged, running his hand down his face. "We went to Hamptons, as you know, and Becca came with us. I was writing, pen and paper so I could be by the pool with them, while Gina and Beck messed around in the water."

Kate watched something akin to horror pass through her partner's eyes before they slipped closed.

"One minute, they were laughing and joking, and the next I heard Becca scream and something crack. Oh god Kate, that sound will never leave me."

Castle shuddered and Kate gently took his hand, needing to comfort him more than she needed her own boundaries right now.

"I jumped up and ran to her side. She was lying on the edge of the pool, her legs dangling in the water, her torso on the side. The base of her back had hit the pool's edge when she'd fallen. Gina got out the pool and came towards us, but I wasn't paying attention. Beck's eyes were rolling in her skull and her breathing was _so_ shallow, Kate."

Rick swallowed, hard.

"I just wanted to hold her. To hold my baby, and make it all better, but Gina screamed at me when I tried to, told me I was an idiot, that I couldn't touch her, before leaving to phone for an ambulance. I had to help my child somehow, so I took her hand, and gently stroked her face, and told her it would all be okay. That everything would be fine, and that I would fix it. It sounds stupid now, but..."  
"No, Rick. It sounds _normal_. It's exactly what any parent would have done in that situation." Kate murmured, smoothing her thumb over the back of his hand.

He shot her a weak smile before continuing. "Becca was rushed to the nearest hospital and taken for X-rays and scans and, I don't even know what. I've kinda blocked out everything but my little girl's face, to be honest. She was put on oxygen when we arrived, they said she was in shock, that's why she wasn't talking, was barely breathing. But they got that under control very quickly. I never thought any words would replace her first in my head, but hearing her tell me that it hurt was _magic_, when I thought I'd never hear her speak again. Gina and I argued the entire time we weren't in Beck's hearing range. I blamed her. Becca had been getting out of the pool, and Gina had thrown the beach ball, they'd been playing with, at her. Becca has my coordination, or lack there of, so when she tried to catch it, she slipped, and landed on the concrete edge of the pool. Gina said it was my fault for not paying attention, to which I replied that if she hadn't been riding my ass about the next chapter, I could have been. Kate, it went on all day."

Castle shook his head at himself, angry, even now, about how they'd handled themselves.

"The X-rays came back, and showed that Becca had a burst fracture dislocation of her L1 and L2 vertebrae. The bone fragments this had produced, had embedded themselves in the surrounding tissue. They'd severed two nerves, and had damaged a lot of tissues. But the dislocation was caused by her ligaments being torn. She needed major reconstructive surgery on her spine."

Beckett gasped.

"They were worried about cauda equina syndrome, so they had to operate immediately. I signed the papers then and there, and they rushed her in. Hours later, her surgeon came by to tell me that she was doing well. They had to operate on both the back and the front of her spine, meaning she had incisions on both her back and side, and that they had affixed metal screws and rods into her spine, to help it heal itself. She would be in a lot of pain and, once her break had healed- an eight to twelve week process- she would then need physio, to rebuild her muscles, and to heal her ligaments and soft tissue. This was right near the beginning of the summer and it took ten weeks for her bones to heal enough, for her doctor to be happy to let her start physio. She's had four of her weekly sessions so far, and is making _amazing_ progress. But she needs the brace to help support her and the chair to get around. They hope, with her age and pre-trauma health, she'll make a full and quick recovery, but it could take a very long time for her to get back to normal. Gina couldn't cope. She only stayed at the hospital until Becca woke up from surgery, and then never came back. I called her with updates, but she asked how far I'd gotten on my book. My final straw was when she suggested I should get an at home healthcare provider, so I could 'get back to my job and stop playing nursemaid'. I'm not proud of how I did it, or what I said, but we were over by the end of that conversation."

Kate sat stock still, in absolute shock.

That poor little girl.

"Jeeze." She breathed.

Rick nodded. "Yeah, I know."

"How are you doing this all by yourself?" Kate asked, in awe of her partner.

Castle shrugged. "I love her. And it's not as though I have a choice."

Kate shook her head. "Surely her mom wants to help?"

Rick scoffed. "I've never even told her the story, but Becca was left on my doorstep, less than a day old. There is no mom, wanting to help or otherwise."

Kate's blood froze.

_No._


	5. Chapter 5

"Hey, you okay?" Castle asked gently, squeezing a, suddenly very pale, Kate's hand.

She couldn't move.

"Is it about absent mothers? Because I didn't mean to upset you." Castle hedged, desperate to know what he'd done wrong and how to make it better.

Kate shook her head.

_Keep it together, Katie, _she thought to herself before smiling at her partner. "I'm fine. Sorry. Just realised how tired I was I guess."

Her partner didn't look convinced, but he nodded all the same.

"I'm fine, Castle." She smiled. "Honestly. Just," Kate paused, shaking her head at herself and pulling herself up, "spending time with Becca today, and then finding out what a rough time she's got ahead of her, it was just a shock."

Rick shrugged. "She's strong. I'm privately betting she got that from her mom. I couldn't be as strong as her, if the situation was different."

Kate shook her head, she couldn't keep up this façade for long, but tonight wasn't the time to do this. Neither of them were ready.

"You're pretty damn strong, Castle. Don't sell yourself short."

"I've always admired her, in a weird way, is that stupid?" He asked, quietly.

"Becca?" Beckett clarified softly.

Castle shook his head. "Her mom." He whispered, dropping Kate's gaze for a second before looking back up.

She shrugged. "Why do you admire her?"

She shouldn't ask.

She shouldn't be having this conversation.

But she wanted to know.

"I think it takes a lot of strength; to go through a pregnancy, and birth, and leave her baby on my doorstop."

"I think that sounds cowardly." Kate murmured, years old guilt tearing her up again.

Castle shrugged. "She could have done something far more drastic. I'm thankful she had the strength to give Rebecca to me, if she couldn't keep her, herself."

She had to tell him. "Castle..."

Both adults jumped when Kate's phone buzzed loudly in her pocket.

"Sorry." She murmured, heart sinking as her courage deserted her once more.

She plucked the device out and visibly deflated when 'Josh' flashed on her screen.

"I, uhh," she shook her head. "I need to get this. I'm sorry."

Castle smiled. "It's fine." He stood up. "I'll, just, leave you to it, go check if Beck's alright. See if she needs anything."

"Thanks, Castle." She murmured, far too much gratitude behind it, but her partner just shot her a smile and walked over to his daughter's room.

* * *

Castle walked back into his living room and paused when he saw the beautiful detective, sitting against the arm of his couch, her head in her hand as she murmured into her phone.

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. I'll be there as soon as I can." She listened for a few more seconds before nodding and running her hand through her hair. "Yeah. I'll be there soon."

She startled, hard, when she noticed Castle's presence and snapped her head up to meet his eye.

"Sorry. I wasn't listening in. I promise." Castle assured her quietly.

Kate shook her head. "It's okay. I, uh, I forgot I was meant to have met Josh at his apartment for dinner."

"I'm sorry if I got you in trouble." Castle apologised with a wry smile.

Kate chuckled, shaking her head. "You didn't. It wouldn't be your fault anyway, but it's not like we're serious enough for me to be in 'trouble'." She chuckled.

Kate ran her hand through her hair and stood up, straightening her pants as she did.

"Is Becca awake?"

Castle shook his head. "Nah, passed out to Land Before Time."

Beckett laughed. "I love that movie." She shook her head. "You mind if I go say goodbye anyway, before I go?"

Castle smiled, tenderly. "Course not. Hey, thank you for today. She seemed to have a lot of fun. It must have been nice for her to have a female her side of sixty to hang out with."

Kate smiled, shyly. "Yeah, we'll have to do it again at some point."

He smiled broadly and she immediately felt guilty. "She'd love that, Kate."

* * *

Kate made her way over to the young girl's bedroom and crept inside, stopping to watch her breathe for just a few moments.

She slowly made her way over to the bed and crouched beside it, gently stroking the little girl's hair off her face.

She leaned in slowly and kissed her temple softly, taking a second to breathe her in.

"I'm sorry, baby girl." She whispered, barely more than a displacement of air. "I love you, baby. I promise you that. I _love_ you." She shook her head and kissed her temple again, before rising to her feet and leaving the room.

She wanted to spend time with Castle and his beautiful daughter, but she had to get her head straight.

This wouldn't be fair on _anyone_, if she had an ulterior motive.

She shook her head at herself.

If she was going to be a friend to the Castles, she could not try and be Becca's mom.

She gave away that right eleven years ago.


	6. Chapter 6

Author's note-I'm just going to say it now, politely, please stop telling me how much you hate Josh, and how I should get rid of him. I think he's a good character (aside from the one incident in the hospital) and I like him. He's in this story for a little while yet, maybe even a long while, I haven't decided yet, but sending me constant Josh Hate, won't change that. Also, I need to ask for your patience. Everything will be explained, but you need to give me time to build the story first. I will explain everything, trust me, just give me a few chapters in order to get there. Thank you. NYLF

* * *

It had been a month.

Kate had been to the Castles' at least three times a week for dinner and to spend the evening with Becca. She'd spent six of her eight days off with Becca, either in the house with her dad, and occasionally her grandmother, or taking her out. This meant Rick had time to write, while he knew Becca was safe and happy.

Kate found herself staring at her phone, mid-week, feeling very conflicted that she was hoping for a murder to break up her day. She'd been doing paperwork for two days and was seriously fed up of the sight of her own handwriting.

Kate's phone buzzed, late afternoon, and she felt guilty that she was glad.

"Beckett." She answered, pen ready to write down the details.

"Kate?" Becca asked, softly.

"Hey, Becca." Kate smiled, dropping her pen and leaning back in her chair. "You okay?"

"Yeah." Becca smiled. "Dad and I are having make your own pizza night. I wanted to know if you wanted to come? I know you've been here a lot this week, and dad said you might be sick of the sight of us." Becca giggled making Kate laugh.

"I love spending time with you both, you know that, kiddo." Kate chuckled.

"Awesome." Becca replied. "So, you wanna come over?"

Kate hesitated.

She was supposed to be having dinner with Josh tonight. She bit her lip before shaking her head. They all knew where she'd prefer to be.

"Nowhere I'd rather be." Kate replied softly, smiling tenderly when Becca celebrated over the line. "What time? Do I need to bring anything?"

Kate listened as Becca conversed with her dad, loving that they were so quick to involve her.

She and Becca had gotten closer and closer over the last few weeks, a connection between them that Castle called 'freaky'.

She wished she could tell him the reason that they connected so quickly, but she couldn't.

It would have been inordinately hard that first night but now, now she was their friend, she couldn't ruin everything.

* * *

"Hey, Josh." Kate rambled into his voice-mail as she ran around her bedroom, trying to find something to wear for tonight. She hadn't stopped long enough to think about why she wanted to impress them. "I'm presuming you're in surgery, that's why you aren't picking up your phone. Anyway, I was just calling to say that I can't make dinner tonight." Kate smiled to herself as she found the perfect shirt, green silk with two pieces of material that tied at the front. Castle liked her in green and in a tie. Not that she was planning her outfit around Richard Castle's tastes. "Something's come up." The Castles were already a bone of contention with Josh, she wouldn't play on that nerve by saying she was going there for dinner instead. "But rain check, okay? At this rate, I won't have a case tomorrow either, so maybe lunch? Okay, have fun saving people. See ya later."

She threw her cell on her bed and quickly changed into her shirt and her favourite pair of soft jeans. She felt bad about blowing Josh off, again, for the second time this week but spending time with Becca was more important right now.

* * *

She was late by the time she arrived at the loft.

Kate ran a hasty hand through her hair, loose and curly, and knocked the door, startling when it opened almost immediately.

"Kate!" Becca cheered. "I thought you weren't coming for a minute."

Kate shook her head, leaning in to hug the girl gently. "Wouldn't miss it for the world. Traffic was bad, that's all." She looked around the loft, surreptitiously, but Becca noticed, of course.

"Dad's in his room getting changed. Managed to get the sauce all over himself, as usual." Becca giggled, making the detective laugh. "Come in, dad'll be down soon. There's wine open on the counter, are you driving?"

"Got a cab here." Kate smiled. "Wanted to be able to relax." The girls grinned. "You want a drink?"

"Shouldn't be drinking, I'm driving." Becca said, completely serious and Kate snorted.

"So attractive, Kate." Castle chuckled as he came down the stairs, white shirt open to the third button, his sleeves rolled to his elbows.

Kate smiled, keeping her comment of just how good he looked to herself.

"Beck, let the poor woman in, would ya, girl?" Castle chuckled, waiting until a blushing Becca closed the door behind the detective, before ruffling her hair and giving her a push towards the kitchen. "Go get the cheese ready."

Becca giggled and wheeled herself away while Rick turned to Kate.

"Hey." He smiled. "How was your day?" He asked, taking her coat.

"Long." Kate smiled. "Okay though, just paperwork."

"I'll get you a glass of wine, it's your favourite." He smiled softly before taking her hand in his. "You look tired."

Kate shrugged. "I'm okay. Honestly. This is just what I need."

Rick smiled broadly, hanging up her coat and taking a second to take in her outfit.

"What?" Kate asked quietly, tucking her hair behind her ear.

Castle shook his head. "No, nothing, just, you look really nice."

Kate blushed. "You don't look so bad yourself."

* * *

"Hey, Kate. I have a new trick. Wanna see?" Becca asked, excitedly as she sprinkled ingredients on her pizza base.

"Sure, kiddo." Kate laughed, picking cheese out of the young girl's hair. "What trick?" She asked, looking from Becca to Rick, who was smiling proudly.

Kate asked Rick, with a look, what was going on but his smile just grew further.

Kate was starting to get nervous.

Becca wheeled off to her bedroom, while Kate watched her go, before turning back to Castle.

"What's going on?" She asked quietly.

"Just watch." Castle chuckled. "She's been dying to show you this since physio."

Kate felt her chest get warm.

"Hey, Kate!" Becca called and the detective turned and stopped dead.

Becca was upright, two silver crutches holding her upright.

"Beck...?" Kate breathed.

Becca giggled, sticking her tongue out in concentration and hobbling very slowly towards them both.

Castle watched as Kate watched, awestruck, as his baby walked for the first time in months. Tears filled her eyes and Castle couldn't help but be a little confused about the absolute pride on her face. They were close, but had they gotten _that _close in the last month?

"What do you think?" Becca giggled.

Kate fell to her knees, her hands over her mouth. "Baby." She gasped.

Becca stopped just in front of her and giggled, breathless and giddy. Kate laughed, tears pouring down her cheeks as she sat up on her knees and gently set her hands on the girl's shoulders.

"You okay?" The eleven year old asked gently.

"I'm so proud of you, Becca. So _very_ proud." Kate kissed her cheek and gently cupped the back of her head, wrapping her other arm around the top of her back and hugged her gently, while Becca leaned into her.

* * *

Once Kate had recovered, and Rick had grabbed Becca's wheelchair and helped her back into it, they all sat down to eat their pizza's and ice cream sundaes.

Castle was in the middle of loading the dishwasher, while Becca and Kate talked enthusiastically at the table, when Kate's phone rang in her pocket.

Kate sighed.

"Josh?" Castle asked quietly.

"Probably." Kate shook her head. "Sorry, I'll talk quick."

Castle waved her off as she made her way to Castle's office to take the call.

"Dad?" Becca asked, wheeling into the kitchen.

"Yeah, babe?" He asked distractedly.

"Why's Kate so annoyed at being called by her boyfriend?"

Castle sighed and cupped the back of her head, kissing her forehead softly. "Grown up relationships are very complicated, honey. Kate just needs to get to grips with this one."

Becca looked over at the office, watching the woman she'd come to call a friend in the last few weeks, pace and gesticulate through the open bookshelves, privately thinking that she always seemed tense when Josh called and relaxed around her dad. It was very interesting for the young girl.


	7. Chapter 7

The next day, Becca had a doctor's appointment, so Castle was there for the morning, while Kate was at the precinct doing the paperwork from the case the boys had caught in the night, while Kate had booked the evening off.

Kate missed his presence.

Having spent so much time in his company lately, she'd gotten used to being with him and not having him with her was weird.

Kate's phone vibrated against her desk and she hesitated before looking over.

Not surprised, she declined Josh's call and went back to her computer.

She'd been screening and rejecting his calls since she cancelled their dinner plans last night to see Becca.

* * *

Her phone buzzed again and Kate sighed before accepting Josh's call, knowing he would come and find her if she ignored his call again. She pressed accept, while she made her way to the break room for a little privacy.

"Beckett." She answered, fighting to keep the irritated snap out of her tone.

"What the hell, Kate?! I've called you at least a dozen times!" Josh raged down the line.

He'd called her all day and night, nineteen missed calls and texts later, she wasn't really surprised that he was angry.

"I'm at work, Josh. I can't just drop everything to answer your call. I'm busy." It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't exactly truthful either.

"And last night?" He asked angrily.

"I, I was with Becca." She confessed, after a slight hesitation. She wasn't doing anything wrong, there was nothing for her to feel guilty about.

"I'm your _boyfriend, _Kate!" Josh shouted. "Our plans should come first! _I_ should come before that playboy's crippled kid!"

Kate felt her patience snap. "That's my daughter, you _asshole_!" She shouted, ending the call and throwing her cellphone against the couch in frustrated anger.

"Beckett?"

Kate froze, her blood cooling in her veins.

She didn't dare turn around, didn't dare attempt to face him.

"Beckett." Rick repeated, a steel to his voice she had never heard from him before.

Still, though, she didn't move, she couldn't.

"Damn it, Kate. Look at me." The break in his voice, on the last word, made Kate's decision for her.

Very slowly, Kate turned to face her partner, her lower lip caught firmly between her teeth as she braced herself for this inevitable fallout.

"Kate..." Castle drew out, "you care to explain that statement?"

"Uh," Kate murmured, completely unnecessary tears clogging her throat, making her eyes burn.

She knew this was gonna happen when she started all of this but, he looked so angry with her.

"I, uh, maybe not here?" She whispered, tearfully.

Rick's heart tumbled.

He hadn't wanted to make her cry but, god damn it, his daughter's heritage, the young woman who left her with him nearly twelve years ago, was not something to be joked about.

"Fine, mine, the moment we finish here." He told her, before turning to leave the room, the decision made in his mind.

"Um," Kate hesitated, gaining his attention again, "how, how about neutral ground? The s-swings outside Remy's?" She asked hesitantly.

Castle sighed. She'd spent nearly every day this week at his home, and now she didn't want to be there. "Sure. Yeah, I mean, if you aren't comfortable at the loft any more..."

Kate shook her head. "I, I _am, _I just, I can't do this with either of us having a home field advantage and, we uh, we probably shouldn't do this in front of her." She whispered.

Rick nodded. "You're right. Swings it is."

* * *

Castle glared at her for about half an hour, before shaking his head and gathering his stuff, making his excuses to the boys, and leaving.

Kate buried her head in her hands, the moment the elevator doors shut behind him, shoulders shaking, as she tried to hold back scared, ashamed tears.

She had ruined her blossoming relationship with Becca, and by extension Castle, by trying to protect her and her dad.

She sighed at herself and made her way to the bathroom.

Once she'd calmed herself down and cleaned her face, she made her self a coffee, turned off her phone and got stuck into her paper work.

* * *

The boys had already gone ahead- leaving about ten minutes before her, shooting her concerned, cautious looks as they went- when Kate turned her phone back on, for the first time, as she was preparing to leave.

She had one missed call from Josh, and a text asking her to call him. No communication from the author at all, not that she'd really been expecting any.

She sighed and dropped her phone into her bag, before grabbing her jacket and making her way out.

She was terrified.

Absolutely petrified of what was about to happen, how this was going to go, what the future held from here.

But she had to find some strength from somewhere.

Castle deserved the truth.

If she could give him nothing else, she had to at least give him that.

* * *

Author's Note-Here we go... (also, to my 28/01 guest, thank you, you weren't rude and had a good point. So, thanks.)


	8. Chapter 8

Rick was leaning against the pole of the swing set, when he saw Kate slowly walk towards him.

He could sense her hesitation from a mile away.

"Hi." She murmured, sitting heavily in the swing furthest from him, looking for all the world like she didn't want to be there if the tension in her shoulders, the nerves scribbled across her face, were anything to go by.

"Hi." Castle replied, taking a step towards her to take the swing next to her. If anything, she only got more tense.

"I, I'm sorry." She whispered harshly around the tears in her throat, the same ones that had been bubbling just beneath the surface all day. "I'm so sorry, Rick. I, I didn't want, this isn't, I..." she fought hard for her words, but it was a battle she wasn't going to win.

"Kate..." he started, his voice calm and tender despite his fierce need for knowledge, for answers.

Kate buried her face in her palms, her shoulders shaking.

"I, I didn't know what else to do." She confessed quietly, her voice so tear-soaked it made his own eyes burn. "I, I was, and _she_, and I mean..." she shook her head, frustrated with her sudden lack of eloquence. "She was so _perfect,_ Rick. She was just _so_ perfect, and tiny, and beautiful, and I, I couldn't... I made sure she was safe, Castle." She turned to him, her eyes wide and desperate. "I, I stayed until you opened the door. I wouldn't just leave her, I made sure she was safe. You've gotta believe me." She begged.

Castle nodded. "I never, for a second, thought otherwise, Kate. You had several easier options than leaving her with me, and I can't tell you how grateful I am that you at least picked that one."

Kate shook her head. "I loved her from the moment I found out she was there, there was never another option for me, except to bring her into this world. I couldn't _ever..." _she broke off, not even able to voice that thought. "I know I have no right to say this, I am so, _so_ painfully aware of that right now, but, I still do. Love her, I mean. I always will, no matter what you decide today. And I'm sorry if that upsets you, or makes you angry, but it's not something I can control. She's my baby, even if I can't call myself her m-mom."

Castle sighed. "Kate..."

"I'm so sorry, Castle." She choked.

"Would you stop apologising for half a second, please?" The writer asked, exasperated, feeling rotten when she jumped and pressed her lips together so forcefully that they lost all colour.

She was trying so hard.

"What happened?" He asked quietly, not wanting to scare her any more than he apparently already had. "Beside the obvious, I mean. How, I, I'm sorry, Kate, but I don't remember you." It was harsh, but they needed to be honest.

"Doesn't really surprise me." She murmured, shaking her head with a sad smile. "I was, I was drowning and you, you saved me that night. Sleeping with you was actually one of the least stupid options I'd considered that night." She confessed quietly and suddenly, Rick got a blindingly clear picture of a world without Kate Beckett, a world where she'd already taken herself from it, long before they would ever cross paths. "I'm sure, knowing what you do from my past, that you can work out how old I was when, she was born?" She asked, hesitating for a second on what to call their daughter, not entirely sure she was worthy to speak her name right now.

"Well, she's going to be twelve in November, so that would make you," he paused, realisation dawning on his face, making Kate nod pre-emptively. "You were nineteen. She was full term, I had her checked out when I got the DNA test done. That would mean she was conceived around the time..."

"Around the time my mom died, yeah. It was, just over two weeks later. My dad was already spending all night away from the house, and all day hiding from me, and I," she shook her head, "I wasn't coping." She murmured, the tears finally cascading down her magnificent cheek bones. "I'd sat on my bed for an hour, just staring at the bottle of pills on my desk, Rick, and I knew I needed to not be there or I'd swallow them, so I put on a very short dress, and went to a club I knew I'd get into without being ID'd. I was already so drunk when you asked to dance with me."

"Kate," he begged suddenly, his own voice hoarse with emotion, "tell me I was kind to you."

She looked up slowly, something unreadable in her eyes.

"Please, Kate, tell me that I at least took you somewhere, that I at least took my time with you, and it wasn't just some drunken fumble, please Kate, because I couldn't live with myself if I had to know that the first time I got to love you, that my daughter's conception, was just a drunken fumble in a club bathroom. Kate, I couldn't bare it." He rambled, impassioned.

Kate smiled softly, sadly. "You took me to the loft. And I propositioned _you_, if that makes you feel any better? I never felt pressured to go home with you, not once."

He nodded in relief.

"And you, you were _gentle_. You," her voice broke and it tore at his heart, "you _held_ me. After, and during. I, I cried and I couldn't help it, but you didn't mention it, you just held me and asked if I wanted to stop, but I didn't, I _couldn't,_ so you just, held me." She shrugged, wiping her hand across her cheeks as if it would make a difference to the apparently unending flow of tears. "You, you were _you_."

She fought the sobbing fit hard, and he could hear it in every syllable.

"And that night, the memories of that night, got me through. They held my hand when she kicked for the first time, and I was _so_ afraid that I'd mess her up. They cradled me, as I sobbed on the bathroom floor, when I realised I could never tell anyone, that I'd have to give her up. And, they, they kept me from reaching for that pill bottle again, the night I left my newborn baby daughter on the door step of a stranger, because I knew I could never provide for her. That all I could give her was all the love in my body, but that would never be enough. And Rick, that day, when I saw her, when I saw my gorgeous newborn baby, in the eyes of that _beautiful_ little girl, I _wept,_ all night. Because I'd missed so much. I don't deserve your sympathy, and that isn't what I'm asking for, I just, I need you to know that everything I have done, has been out of love for that baby. Because I love her with all my heart and _nothing_ will _ever_ make that go away."

Rick pulled her trembling body into his and squeezed her tight for the precious seconds it took for her to give up into it, to let herself go and to let him hold her.

She shook even harder as she gripped his shirt so hard in her fists, like she was so very terrified that he'd let her go.


	9. Chapter 9

Author's Note-This is being posted quicker than normal, not, I'm sure, that you'll complain about that, but I'm going on my first date tonight with my ex, and I'm kinda terrified, so uploading this will keep my mind off panicking, haha. I hope this answers some questions. NYLF xx

* * *

"You called her Becca." Kate whispered some time later, making no move to leave his embrace, so extraordinarily happy when he didn't either.

"What?" He murmured softly.

"You, you actually called her Becca. I told you that you didn't have to, but you actually did."

The absolute awe in her voice made Rick's heart ache for the poor, lonely, frightened nineteen year old she was, when she had to make the hardest decision and leave her baby behind.

"Well I didn't have the first clue about it, and I thought, given that it may be the only influence her mother ever had in her life, I should give her that much." Rick felt her grip tighten as she shuddered. "Kate, you did what you did for the right reasons. It's okay."

"I had no idea if you'd take care of her..."

"I took care of _you._" He murmured, gently cutting her off before she could berate herself any more. "The only experience you'd ever had with me, I was kind and caring, according to your account. You had every reason to presume that I would be the same with her."

"I had no right to impose on you like that..."

"Hey, I was the imposition. I got you pregnant in the first place." Rick smiled as he pulled back just far enough to see her face. He was careful to keep his arms around her though, sensing she needed the contact right now.

Kate smiled sadly. "I wasn't very great at taking my pill that month." She shrugged. "And even when we had established that we were both clean, however rushed that conversation..." She smirked a little, remembering the 'conversation' as nothing more than a panted 'clean, you?' and a nod. "I should have still asked you to wear a condom."

"Or I should have offered. Kate, I won't let you blame yourself for our decisions that night."

She shook her head, her eyes slipping closed slowly.

"Do you regret it?" Castle asked, quiet and unsure. "Any part of it, I mean. Whether that be sleeping with a stranger, or getting pregnant, or it being me you slept with, or..."

Kate sighed softly.

"I did." She murmured, barely loud enough for him to hear. She decided to be as honest as she could, despite that fact she was sure she was breaking both of their hearts right now. "When I found out about," she hesitated again, making Rick sigh as he pulled away from her.

"You _can_ say her name, you know. It isn't cursed or anything."

Kate shook her head. "I'm not sure I can, Rick. I'm not sure I deserve that connection to her."

Rick let his own eyes close.

"When I found out I was pregnant," she started again, deciding to go for safer ground, "I regretted it. Of course I did, I was a mess. I never regretted her, please don't get that confused. I loved _her_, right from the start, but I regretted getting pregnant when and how I did. And yeah, sleeping with a stranger wasn't my best move, so of course there was a little regret there, despite the fact I couldn't change it, but," she paused, knowing that if she said this wrong, it would break him and any chance of them in the future. "Castle, the first time we met, it was to talk to you about a murder. And then I _arrested_ you, and you were such an _ass_."

She shook her head, her voice breaking along with his heart. "Yeah, I regretted it was you, at least, the persona you let me see back then. Because your mother came to bail you out and you," she shook her head again, "you shattered every illusion I had held about you. I thought, for sure, that that man, the man who deliberately disobeyed a detective and interfered with a murder investigation, just to prove himself right, and the one who stole police horses...there was no way he would have kept a tiny, vulnerable, day old baby left on his doorstep. No way that he cared enough to try and help her." Kate swiped at her cheeks. "And in that moment, I was so _scared,_ Rick." She whispered tearfully. "I was so scared for my little girl. Because I had no idea what you had done with her and I had no right to ask and..."

"Shh." Rick whispered, pulling her into his chest again as she sobbed. "I'm sorry, honey." He whispered against her ear, the endearment slipping out unhindered. "I'm so sorry." He cradled her, much like he did their daughter, almost silently humming in her ear.

"I've worked seventeen cases with little girls, who were around her age, and could look like my baby." She started randomly, pulling back to sit under her own steam. "Every single one, I had the ME on the case test it against an anonymous DNA sample. I always told them it was a favour for a friend. No one ever suspected that it was mine." She mumbled. "I knew, that if you didn't keep her, there was always a possibility that my daughter would cross my desk one day."

"Oh god, Kate." Rick murmured, never having even thought of that.

Kate shrugged. "I always worked those cases harder. Montgomery never said a word, but I'm sure he knew about the tests I was having run, he certainly knew that I worked myself to the bone in those cases, more than I did any other. I think, if he knew about _her_, it would explain a lot for him."

Rick gently took her hand in his, staring at it as he played with her fingers. "I didn't paint you as a monster." He said quietly, feeling as though he should assure her before they went any further.

"I wouldn't have blamed you." She returned softly, nothing but honesty in her words.

"The first time she asked why everyone else in her class had a mommy, and she didn't, I'll admit Kate, I hated you a little. Because she was so confused. She asked if she had done something to make her mommy leave and god Kate, I wanted to rage at you for hurting my baby girl. But I couldn't make her mother out to be a monster. Because I knew that she, you, could have picked more drastic actions than to give her to me, and also, I never wanted Beck to go into it jaded and bitter, if her mom ever came into her life."

"What did you tell her?" Kate asked, vulnerable in a way he hadn't see very often.

"That her mom loved her very much. But that she couldn't stay with her, for reasons beyond her control. That her mom would give anything to be there and tuck her in, and read to her, and take her to class, but she couldn't, and she was very sad because of it." He smiled sadly. "I'll show you one day, all the letters and pictures she made for her mom, telling her to not be sad and that she forgave her."

Kate's breath caught in her chest, her hand tensing in his. When he looked up at her, the relief in her eyes floored him.

"Kate, you didn't really think that she would blame you, did you?"

Kate shrugged. "I wouldn't have been surprised. I still wouldn't be, if she finds out, and isn't as okay about it as you think."

"Wait, back up, _if_ she finds out?" He replied urgently. "You're seriously considering not telling her? Kate, you're her mom! She needs to know who you are."

Kate sighed softly. "She has done just fine without me thus far, Castle. I don't want to hurt her by telling her, and turning her world upside down."

"So you'd rather wait until she finds out accidentally, one day? Wait until you're a trusted friend of hers, and then break her heart, and tear apart her trust, when she finds out that you're actually her mom? No, Kate, we're going to tell her. We have to."

Kate's hands were trembling as she ran them through her hair. "Not today." She murmured, shaking her head.

"Kate..." Castle sighed.

"No. I get it. We'll tell her. But I can't do this today. I just, a few days, please? That's all I'm asking for."

Castle rubbed his hand down his face and nodded. "O-okay." He whispered. "Okay, but Kate, if you haven't come to me by the weekend, I'll tell her myself."

Kate looked up at him, something unreadable in her eyes.

"I don't want to do it without you, but _she _is my priority. She needs to know and I will tell her without you if you won't. You mean a lot to me Kate, but she's my child."

Kate nodded. "Okay. Okay. I, uh, I need to go but, just um..." Kate shook her head. "Can I ask you to hug her and say hi for me, without it being weird, now?"

Castle shook his head. "Why didn't you tell me before, Beckett?"

Kate dropped her eyes, playing with her hands. "I didn't know it was her."

"How?" Castle asked. "You dropped a baby girl on my doorstep eleven years ago and you find out I've got an eleven year old daughter, you didn't make the connection? You're a _detective."_

Kate shook her head, jumping to her feet to pace beside him. "You think I didn't wonder? Didn't hope with all my heart that she was my precious baby girl?" She ranted hoarsely. "But I couldn't let myself believe it. I'd seen what you were like in the beginning, and knew that _that _man wouldn't keep her. He wouldn't look after my baby. Wouldn't protect a vulnerable newborn. _That _man would put our baby in the system, rather than let her get in the way of his partying."

Castle watched her pace, his heart heavy.

He hated the fact that Kate doubted him so much, but he couldn't really blame her, his persona was deep at the beginning.

"I couldn't let my heart believe that she was mine, because if she wasn't, if I couldn't have definitive proof that she was actually my baby, it would crush me. It would kill me to think she was mine if she wasn't, Castle, you've got to understand."

Castle stood up, stepping in front of her to stop the pacing.

"Please, Castle." She whispered. "I couldn't even think it, not for longer than a split second, because it would just end up hurting so damn much."

Rick wrapped his right hand around her waist and pulled her into his chest, cupping the back of her head with his left, holding her as she wrapped her arms around his back and sobbed into his shoulder.

"I've got you." He murmured into her hair. "It's okay, Kate, I've got you."


	10. Chapter 10

Author's Note-For those that are interested, thumbs up :D Really, really up haha. Thanks for all the support and encouragement :D NYLF xx

* * *

Kate and Castle went their separate ways, once they had both agreed that Saturday morning was her deadline to get back to him, before he told Becca himself.

Kate sat in her car for a few minutes, wiping her face and taking deep breaths, before taking out her phone.

"Hi, Kate." Josh's tone was cool, but not unkind.

Kate couldn't blame him for being distant with her. "Hey, Josh." She murmured. "Listen, I was wrong earlier."

Josh sighed, running a hand through his hair as he shook his head. "Yeah, I think we both were."

"You wanna maybe come over? Have dinner, talk?" Kate offered, bravely.

"Sure. You want me to bring food with me?" Josh asked, quietly. "I'm not gonna be able to be with you until nine, nine thirty. I've got a best interest meeting at eight, and then I've gotta get down to you."

Kate sighed softly. "Give me a text when you leave the hospital, and I'll order it here. Saves you a trip."

Josh smiled. "Alright. I've got surgery in a couple of minutes, I've gotta get scrubbed in, but listen, I'm sorry about what I said earlier."

"I know." Kate smiled softly. "I'm sorry for my reaction. Go get scrubbed, text me when you're leaving, and I'll order food."

"I will. See you as soon as I can."

They both hung up the phone, Josh dropping his cell back into his bag and shoving it into his locker, while Kate slid her phone into her pocket and turned over the engine, making her way back through traffic to get home.

* * *

Kate ran a nervous hand through her hair in her bathroom mirror, making eye contact with herself in the glass, giving herself a mental pep-talk. She took a deep breath, startling half way through breathing out, when a knock at her door echoed through her apartment.

She shook herself out of it, making her way over to the door, stopping to grab her purse on the way through.

"Hey..." she opened the door, expecting the delivery boy, instead finding Josh, leaning against the door jam, the steaming bag of Chinese take out hanging from his fingers.

"Hey." He murmured, a sheepish smile on his face. "I met the delivery boy at the elevator, he recognised me."

Kate smiled softly. "I'll pay you for my half."

Josh shook his head. "Don't be silly." He gave her a smile, a shadow of the charming smirk he normally shot her, to make her knees weak, and stood up straight.

"Come on in." Kate smiled, holding the door open, closing it with a deep breath while Josh unpacked their dinner in her kitchen.

"So," Josh started, a little awkward, pausing Kate with her fork halfway to her mouth, "a kid, huh?"

Kate sighed deeply, setting her fork back in the carton before cradling it in her lap. "Yup." She murmured.

Josh nodded. "She's Castle's kid, too?"

Kate didn't look up from the noodles in her lap, before nodding the affirmative.

"How did _that_ happen?" Josh asked, incredulous.

Kate scoffed. "And you call yourself a doctor..."

Josh huffed a laugh, shaking his head, nudging her pulled up knees with his foot. "I know how _babies_ happen, Kate. I was wondering how _you and Castle_ happened."

Kate shrugged, reaching over to put her carton next to his on the coffee table. "You really want the details?"

Josh hesitated. "I don't wanna know what happened past the bedroom door, but I guess, I would like to know how you got there."

Kate nodded slowly.

"My mom dying threw me through a loop, unsurprisingly," she started softly, only now realising that, four months into this, her boyfriend didn't even know how her mother died. "I got into a club and got very drunk. A guy asked me to dance and we danced. One thing led to another..."

"And he propositioned you." Josh finished.

Kate shook her head. "_I _propositioned _him _actually." She registered the surprise in the doctor's eyes with a tinge of annoyance. "We ended up back at the loft and nine months later, along came baby."

Josh paused, obviously taking that in. "How did you work out it was him?"

Kate smiled softly, sadness coating the curve.

This memory was bitter sweet.

"I knew his name was Rick, we had exchanged that much, and I've always had a good sense of direction. When I left pre-daylight, I figured out where I was. I just forgot it, put it out of my head, y'know? But then two months go by, and I haven't started, and I'm starting to feel queasy at the littlest of things, and I start to question."

Kate shrugged.

"I took Maddie, who was just about to jet off for spring break, and got a pregnancy test, or three, and I realised that I was in fact, pregnant. Maddie knew, the moment I came out of the stall in tears. She took my hand and dragged me out of the drug store, citing that we needed Retail Therapy. We passed a book store window, and suddenly, there he was. Richard Castle, proud author of the Storm Series, there in the window display. Obviously it was a cardboard cut out, but I knew it was him."

Josh watched as she carefully smoothed her hand under her eye, checking it for black smudges before continuing.

"We got an early dinner, Maddie was leaving in the morning, and she gave me a number of a clinic a friend of hers had used. Told me to be safe and to call her once she was back."

"Why didn't you do it?" Josh asked softly, no malice or hurt intended, just curious as to what made a single, not-even-twenty-year-old keep her baby.

Kate smiled, her hand subconsciously landing on the base of her stomach, where she'd nurtured the girl for nine months. "I loved her. I was terrified, but I loved her. I threw the card away, went home to tell my dad, after calling and making an OB/GYN appointment, but he was already passed out, drunker than I'd seen him for a while. I wept that night. I could never bring a baby into that world and I couldn't just abandon my dad, knew I could never give her everything she needed on my own."

Kate shook her head, smoothing her hand through her hair.

"I joined Castle's fan sites, kept an eye on the press, made sure he still lived at the same address. I stopped going to visit my dad when I started to show, at four and a half months, had gotten myself a little place of my own by then. I went into labour in the middle of the street, outside my apartment, on the third of November, at eight thirty in the evening. My neighbour at the time, Mr Lennox found me, doubled over in pain, on his way in from work, offered to drive me to the hospital. She was born at nine fifty six the next morning."

Josh couldn't miss the joy and pride bloom on Kate's face.

"She was beautiful."

She looked up suddenly, before disappearing to her bedroom, coming back a moment later with a tiny box, holding it in her lap as she opened it.

Inside, Josh could see all the treasures Kate had kept, from her too short time as a mother. Their hospital bracelets, the baby's hand and foot prints, ultrasound pictures and a polariod picture that she handed to him with such incredible care.

A much younger, and exhausted- but undeniably beautiful- Kate Beckett was sat up in a hospital bed, cradling a tiny baby to her chest, the girl's face just visible above her swaddling. She, too, was incredibly gorgeous.

"I begged and pleaded with the nurse to let me go that same day, but she said it was against regulations, so I checked out AMA."

Josh looked up from the photo in horror. "Kate, do you have any idea the danger you put yourself in?"

"If I had stayed the night, I'd have bonded with her, Josh." Kate reasoned, gently tucking the photograph back in the box and closing the lid softly. "It was dark, middle of the night, by the time I got to his door." She shook her head. "I left her on his doorstep, waited until he had taken her inside, and left."

Kate sighed softly and Josh felt his heart ache for her.

"I kept an eye on all his fan sites, all the press about him, but there was never any mention of a child, let alone my baby girl, so I assumed that he had given her up, for her own safety and well-being, much like I had. I never for a moment actually let myself believe that he had kept her."

Josh sighed softly, taking her hand gently. "Her walking status..."

"Temporary." Kate nodded. " A burst fracture dislocation of her L1 and L2 vertebrae."

Josh winced.

"Yeah." Kate murmured softly. "She's in a lot of pain but she'll be okay. She's making massive progress. Can even walk with crutches for little distances now." Kate smiled.

"Does she know? That you're her mom?" Josh asked quietly, off her questioning look.

"No." She murmured. "Castle didn't even know, until he overheard me tell you. I asked for some time before we tell her, he's given me until Saturday morning."

Josh sighed softly. "You're a parent, Kate."

Kate set her memory box on the table and turned back to him, giving him her full attention. "I know."

"I just..." the doctor shook his head, running his hand frustratedly through his hair. He'd graduated in the top two percent in his class, but he couldn't talk, to the woman he was falling for, about her kid?

"It's weird for you." Kate nodded.

"He cares about you." Josh murmured, watching Kate's spine stiffen. This wasn't the first time she'd defended the platonic nature of her relationship with the writer.

"Josh..."

"Kate, he does. And knowing that you had his kid, is only going to enhance that."

Kate sighed gently. "What are you saying?"

Josh shook his head. "I'm falling for you. I am. I won't deny that. But that means I don't want to make this difficult for you. And I think, co-parenting is hard enough, without trying to juggle us too."

Kate hung her head, tears gathering in her eyes. She didn't want to hurt him, didn't want to string him along.

"And," Josh hesitated, stroking his thumb across the back of her hand softly, "I think, watching you fall for him will be too hard."

Kate looked up at him, tears beading on her lashes. "If we're together, I would never..."

"I know." He assured her softly, carefully cupping her cheek, swiping his thumb under her eye. "I know you wouldn't Kate, but you're amazing. You're beautiful, and brilliant, and any man would be so lucky to have you."

Kate blushed, lowering her eyes.

"I want you to be happy, Kate. That's my only priority. And if that means that you fall in love with him, I'll graciously step aside."

"I didn't mean to make this so hard." She pushed out, her voice breaking around the tears.

"I know." Josh pulled her closer, kissing her crown softly.

Kate buried her face in his neck, wrapping her arms around him.

"But our schedules are hectic enough, without trying to add in you spending enough time with Becca. And Doctors Without Borders isn't really conducive to a stable situation for a kid."

Kate nodded against him.

"I'm not gonna make this harder for you, by trying to keep you." Josh murmured against her ear, holding her tightly despite his words.

"You're kinda great, you know that?" She asked him softly, wetly.

Josh chuckled, smoothing his hand up and down her back. "Feeling's mutual."

Kate shook her head, smiling as she pulled back, even as she swiped the tears from her face. "I want you to be happy, Josh. And I don't think that can be with me right now."

The surgeon sighed, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Do I agree? Yeah." He shook his head with a sad smile. "Am I happy about it? Definitely not."

Kate smiled at him softly. "I really like you, Josh."

"I really like you too, Kate." He murmured. Ever so slowly, he moved in and captured her lips in a sweet kiss, them both tasting the goodbye it signified.

Once he had pulled back, Josh pressed a lingering kiss to her forehead, and stood to retrieve his jacket, Kate standing slowly to join him.

"Keep in touch, okay?" She asked quietly. "Let me know that you get home safe every time?"

He nodded as he slipped his jacket on. "You know I will."

Kate smiled softly, nodding as she followed him to the door.

"You take care, okay?" He murmured softly.

Kate nodded, opening her mouth to say the same back, when her phone buzzed in her pocket. She shot Josh an apologetic look and drew it out, her mouth twisting in confusion when she saw Castle's face.

"Get it. It might be important." Josh told her, kissing her cheek before opening the door.

"Hello? Castle?"

Josh got all of two steps out of the door when he heard Kate gasp, turning back to see her as all the colour drained out of her face.

"Yeah, I'll, I'll be right there." She murmured frantically, hanging up the phone and staring at Josh, stricken and frightened.

"Hey, what's happened?" He asked softly.

"It's Becca. She's being rushed to hospital. She, she fell and..." She shook her head. "I need to get to the hospital."

Josh stilled her shaking hand, before she could try and grab her keys from the hook inside her door.

"No way." He shook his head, holding tighter when she tried to pull away.

"I can't not go..." She started angrily, but Josh shook his head again.

"Not my objection. You're in no fit state to be behind the wheel. I'll drive you. "

Kate hesitated.

"Kate, I'm not gonna make a scene, and I'll go as soon as you want me to, but I cannot, in good conscience, let you drive right now."

Kate nodded, practically slamming the door shut behind her and locking the door with Josh's key- them both realising he'd have to give it back soon enough, so it might as well be now-before letting the doctor lead her out to his car.


	11. Chapter 11

Author's Note-Sorry for the slight delay, my health took a wee bit of a turn for the worst Monday and I ended up in the doctor's office :/ I'm okay now, but haven't felt like writing until about an hour ago, which is when the majority of this was written haha. Enjoy NYLF xx

* * *

Josh and Kate rushed into the hospital, Kate running straight to the front desk.

"Please, Becca Castle, she's eleven, she was brought in by ambulance." Kate babbled, frantically.

The older woman, sat behind the desk, gave her a cool look. "Are you family?"

Kate hesitated, biological mother or not, she couldn't prove it, she wasn't on her birth certificate.

Josh took one look at her face, pale and clammy, her eyes wide and terrified, and shook his head and leaning over the desk with a charming smile.

"Clara...?" He murmured, gaining the woman's attention.

"Dr Davidson." She smiled. "What can I do for you?"

Josh gently slotted his arm around Kate's waist; she was shaking so hard, he thought she'd collapse without the support. "Rebecca Castle, this is her mom, she needs to see her baby. Can you wave her through?"

The woman hesitated, but nodded curtly, and turned back to her computer.

Kate leaned into his chest, tucking her face into his neck. "Thank you." She whispered.

Josh squeezed her, gently kissing the side of her head. "Don't worry about it." He whispered back.

Clara told them where to go, and Josh thanked her, before leading the trembling detective to the elevators.

* * *

Kate practically fell out the doors, and Rick turned round at the commotion, noticing Kate and Josh before coming over to them.

"Kate, thank god." Castle breathed, stopping just before them, eyeing Josh warily.

"Where is she?" Kate asked frantically.

Castle took one look at her, shaking like a leaf, and pointed behind him. "Just down the corridor, third door on the left."

Kate shot him a tiny smile and took off, leaving the boys standing by the elevators.

"She was shaking so hard, I couldn't let her drive." Josh explained, slipping his hands into his pockets.

Castle nodded slightly.

"How is she?" Josh asked quietly.

"She's, uh, she's alright. They've given her some pretty heavy-duty painkillers. She's basically been asleep since the ambulance arrived."

Josh smiled softly. "That's good."

Castle nodded. "Yeah, I've uh..." He flicked his thumb over his shoulder, indicating to his daughter's room.

"Listen, just..." Josh sighed softly. "Anyone can see that you care about Kate."

Castle stiffened. "It's nothing to do..."

"I'm not accusing." Josh shook his head. "It's, it's not my place any more." He gave the writer a sad smile.

Castle stopped dead, looking over his shoulder, concern written all over his face.

"Just," the doctor shook his head, "Kate's amazing, you know that."

Castle found himself nodding, subconsciously.

"Look out for her, yeah?" Josh asked carefully. "She's struggling, knowing Becca is here is hard for her, just keep and eye on her, please?"

Castle gave him a long look, assessing him slowly. "Course I will."

Josh nodded, straightening up and holding out his hand, waiting for the writer to shake it quickly, before heading off. "Hope she gets better soon, Castle." Josh nodded as the elevator doors slid shut.

Rick paused for a moment, processing the situation, before shaking his head and heading back to see his daughter.

* * *

Castle entered the private side room, to find Kate perched on the edge of the bed, gently playing with a sleeping Becca's hand, her eyes glued to the girl's face.

"Hey." He whispered, smiling when Kate turned to look at him over her shoulder.

"Hey. Everything okay?" Kate asked quietly, having no clue what had just transpired with her ex boyfriend and the writer.

Castle nodded. "Yeah, everything's fine." He murmured, coming over to stand beside them, gently squeezing her shoulder. "Any change?"

"Nope, still sleeping. I read her chart though, those pain meds are heavy. I'm not surprised she's asleep." She smiled softly. "Is she okay?"

Rick nodded, leaning in to kiss Becca's head, before sitting in the chair beside her bed. "They scanned and X-rayed her, said she hadn't done any further damage."

"What happened? You just said she'd fallen, I mean, she's in her chair. Did she fall mid-transfer or something?"

Rick shook his head, leaning back in the seat, turning far enough to watch her chest rise and fall. "She was showing off. I was cooking and she wanted to show me something. I was distracted, maybe if I hadn't have been..."

Kate shook her head. "You can't blame yourself for this, Castle."

He shrugged. "She's been working really hard on her crutches, she's determined to walk without them by Christmas." He shook his head, sighing softly as he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, his head hanging forward.

"Is that an achievable goal?" Kate asked quietly, carefully, dread settling at the bottom of her stomach when he shook his head again, before running a hand down his face as he sat back up. "They reckon, with all the physio and milestones she has to hit first, it could be up to a year before she's walking full time, even with the crutches, let alone without."

Kate let her eyes slip closed. "Poor kid." She murmured while Rick nodded.

"She was running around the loft on her crutches, barely letting her legs touch the floor, using her arms to swing herself further out each time." He shook his head, clutching his trembling hands together. "I told her to slow down, that she'd hurt herself."

"Still not your fault." Kate murmured, getting down off the bed to crouch in front of him, resting her hands on his knees.

Castle looked up at her, eyes wet and full of shame. "I heard the crutch slip, turned half a second too late. She hit the floor." He closed his eyes, swallowing hard. "She didn't move for a second and I thought she'd hurt her neck, worsened her back, and then she looked at me and just burst into tears. I think it was more shock than anything else. I called an ambulance, knew I couldn't move her." He shrugged a shoulder. "She's okay now, that's the main thing. They say the fact she was wearing her brace saved her back."

He chuckled suddenly, making Kate rock back onto her heels, a little concerned for his mental health. "The paramedic that put her on the gurney, he saw her brace. He said it was gorgeous and asked for her designer."

Kate smiled softly. "Trying to engage with her, take her mind off the pain."

Castle nodded. "Yeah, worked too. She laughed, said she'd pass on the praise to her best friend."

Kate shook her head, hanging it, until Castle's forefinger gently nudged her chin back up, surprise flooding his face when he saw tears in her eyes.

"What if she hates me after this?" She asked, her voice tiny and vulnerable.

Castle sighed, gently cupping the side of her neck, sweeping his thumb across her jaw. "She won't. She will take some time to adjust, but she won't hate you, Kate."

"Mmm, dad?" Becca groaned quietly.

Kate jumped to her feet and Castle moved over to the side of the bed, into his daughter's eye line.

"Hey, Sleeping Beauty." He smiled softly. "How you feeling, kiddo?"

Becca smiled softly. "Kinda hurts, but I'm okay. Did I break?"

Castle chuckled. "Nah, just bruised. You're staying off those crutches for a while though." He murmured, his voice a little stern as he gave her a look.

Properly chastened, Becca nodded. "Did I hear Kate earlier?"

The detective took her cue, and took three steps to be beside the bed. "Hey, sweetheart. You gave us quite a fright."

Becca smiled sadly. "Sorry. I just wanted to see what I could do."

Kate nodded. "I know. I'm the same, but you need to know when to slow down."

The girl nodded slowly. "When can I go home?"

"In a couple of hours." Castle murmured, stroking up and down her bare forearm. "Doc wants to check you out before he's okay to discharge you."

Becca nodded sleepily.

"It's okay, Beck. You go back to sleep. We'll be here when you wake up." Castle murmured, looking to Kate for confirmation, receiving a rapid nod.

"Okay daddy." The eleven year old whispered, her eyes falling shut as she fell asleep once more.

* * *

About half an hour later, Kate slipped back into the room, coffee in both hands, and tiptoed across to where Rick was typing away on his phone, apparently lost in a story.

"Hey, Castle?" Kate asked quietly, waiting for the moment it took him to give her his attention.

"What's up?" He asked, slipping his phone into his pocket.

"Got you coffee, figured you'd need the caffeine after today's shock." Kate smiled, handing over the take away cup.

Castle chuckled, taking a quick sip. "Think I need brandy." He laughed.

Kate shook her head, smiling. "Not sure I can sneak that into the hospital."

"Fair point." He shrugged, taking another gulp before setting it down. "You okay?"

Kate nodded. "Yeah, just thinking."

"Dangerous." Castle quipped but there was real concern in his eyes. "You wanna talk about it?"

Kate hesitated, leaning against the bed, looking down at the cup she held between both of her hands. "I have tomorrow off." She started randomly. "I, I was wondering if maybe..." she shook her head.

"No, what's up? You can tell me." Castle murmured kindly.

Kate sighed, flipping her hair over one shoulder as she looked up. "Can I stay tonight? At yours?"

Castle opened and closed his mouth a few times before Kate blushed, catching on to how he'd interpreted that.

"Not, ha-ha, not in you bed. I just," she trailed off suddenly shy. "I just think, maybe tomorrow, we should tell her."

Castle looked at her for a long moment. "Today really scared you, didn't it?"

She nodded quickly. "I was trembling so hard, Josh wouldn't let me drive. I just, I couldn't even tell them who I was, because I'm not listed as her mom, hell I'm not even on her birth certificate." She shook her head, fighting tears again.

Castle stood up and gently gathered her into his chest, holding her closely. She tilted her head into his shoulder, breathing deeply for a moment, needing him to settle her.

"We'll tell her tomorrow. We'll sit her down and explain." Rick murmured in her ear. "It'll be okay, Beckett."


	12. Chapter 12

Author's Note-Hey, this is a wee bit longer than most chapters, but I couldn't find a place to split it :D

One thing from the reviews of Chapter 11:-

CRB-In the UK, you can take up to six weeks to register a baby's birth, that's what I was basing that on. However, I did some research (that potentially I should have done first, oops) and found this. "The New York City Health Code, Title V, Article 201, Section 201.03 (b) states A person required to report a live birth…shall file a certificate of birth and a confidential medical report… Reports shall be filed within 5 business days after the birth with the office maintained and designated by the Department for such purposes." So, Kate could have checked out, AMA, before registering her, which allows Rick to get her birth certificate when he found out she was his, just leaving 'Mother's Name' blank. Obviously, at some point soon, this situation will be rectified.

Hope that clears some stuff up. Enjoy! NYLF xx

* * *

Beckett ran back to her apartment, while Rick got Becca settled at home, returning to the loft, overnight bag in hand, just after the writer had put the girl to bed.

Kate came back down the stairs, after putting her bag in the guest room, to find Rick pouring two small glasses of brandy, making Kate chuckle as she came to his side.

"Finally having it, huh?" She joked, taking hers and clinking her glass against his when he held it up.

"Still need it. She was asleep the moment her head hit the pillow. Docs said to not be surprised if she had nightmares, because of the drugs they gave her." Castle sighed, sipping the liquid slowly. "Couch?" He asked quietly, Kate nodding, before they made their way over.

* * *

"Because, because we're doing this tomorrow, " Kate started hesitantly, "I, I wanna thank you, Rick." She murmured, looking down at her drink as she swirled it in her glass, rather than dare look at him.

Castle watched her silently.

"You..." She sighed, shaking her head. "You've done a wonderful job, raising your, _our_, daughter. I can never thank you enough for that. She's brilliant, and beautiful, and quick as you like, and..."

"I can't take all the credit." Castle shrugged. "She practically raised herself." He chuckled before sobering. "She's extraordinary."

Kate nodded, sipping her drink before placing it on the table. "Yeah, she is." Kate murmured.

Castle put his drink next to hers before standing. "Give me a minute, I think there's something you're gonna want to see." He smiled at her before bounding up the stairs.

Kate watched him go, confused but a little excited, before she found herself drawn, once more, to the portrait on the wall behind her.

This was her daughter, her little baby girl, her life so far depicted in pictures. She was beautiful, truly, and it was heartbreakingly wonderful to see everything she had missed.

* * *

"Kate?" Castle called hesitantly, stood at the bottom of the stairs, watching his partner as she reverently traced Baby Becca's face, in one of the first pictures in the collage on his wall.

She turned sharply. "Sorry, I was just..."

"Pre-empting me?" He asked, lifting the two Bankers Boxes slightly when she shot him a confused look. He made his way over to the couch, setting one box on the table, the other in front of him, calling her over with his fingers.

Kate slowly crossed the room, gracefully curling herself on the couch next to him.

Castle smiled softly, slipping the lid off and dropping it on the floor at their feet. "I'm a little camera obsessed, when it comes to Beck at least. It used to be about everything I'd missed." He shrugged.

"You've been there since the day she was born, Castle." Kate reminded him softly.

"Yeah, I know, but I missed everything before that. When I thought about having kids, I always thought I'd be there, y'know?"

Kate shook her head slightly.

"I wanted to hold my girlfriend, fiancée, wife, significant-other-type-person's hand when we did the pregnancy test, wanted to go to every scan, hold her hair when she had morning sickness, run to the store at three in the morning for cravings." He chuckled sadly. "I wanted to see my child be brought into the world and cut the cord. Tell her mom how amazing she is." He shrugged. "I missed all that with Becca, so I got a little snap happy when she was a baby." He looked into the box and smiled, a smile Kate could easily identify as his 'father smile'. He reached in and took out a paper wallet. "They're all organised by year, month for the first one." He shook his head. "Becca helped me organise it after she needed copies of some of them."

"Why did she need copies?" Kate asked softly, her eyes flicking from the wallet in his hand and his face, practically trembling with anticipation.

Rick hesitated. "She had to do a 'Family Board' when she was about six for school. She took a copy of every picture of the two of us."

Kate bowed her head.

"She doesn't blame you. She never did." Rick murmured.

Kate nodded quickly, taking a fortifying breath. "Can, can I see?" She asked, nodding to the wallet. Castle nodded and handed it over. "That's month one." He smiled. "She hasn't seen most of these first ones."

Kate's hand shook as she opened it and took out the significant pile of pictures.

The first one in her hand was Becca, a few days old, sleeping in her dad's arm, while Rick held up a sheet of paper, the words 'DNA Results' clear at the top. The smile on his face could light Times Square.

"She hasn't ever seen it, doesn't know her origin story, but I wanted a picture of that moment."

Kate nodded. "How old is she here?"

"Three days. It was the earliest appointment I could get. I didn't want to get attached before I knew."

Kate smiled softly. She couldn't blame him for wanting to check, but the smile on his face told her everything she needed to know.

She flipped through the following few pictures, a lot of them Becca asleep, in various positions and locations, and she could imagine her daddy's proud smile behind the camera. Around the tenth picture mark, Kate halted.

"What is it?" Castle asked quietly.

Kate turned the picture round. A younger Rick was asleep on the couch, shirtless, while Becca was asleep curled up on his chest, only in her diaper. One of his hands dwarfed her tiny back as he gently held her in place.

"My mother took that picture. I'd heard skin to skin contact helped with bonding, so I was trying it. I was exhausted though, because she'd been up for the last three nights, unable to sleep. So I fell asleep with her. Mother came home and took that picture."

Kate smiled softly, staring at the picture.

"I can make you copies of any of the ones you want." Castle assured her softly.

"I'd appreciate that." Kate murmured, slipping the photo to the back of the pile as she did.

* * *

An hour later, Kate had just got to ten month old Becca.

About half way through the pile, Kate stopped dead.

"Hey, you alright?" Castle asked softly, moving closer.

Kate flipped the picture around and Castle could see why it had stopped her.

Becca was adorable in all her chubby glory, brunette curls up in pigtails, lavender dungarees over a baby blue shirt. Castle's hands held both of hers tightly, keeping her stood upright. She was smiling so brightly, showing off her front four teeth, but that wasn't what had made Kate's heart trip. Leaning against her legs was a hand-painted sign, with both Rick and Becca's hand prints covering it. In the middle, the words 'Hello Mommy' were painted with a flare.

"I made a few of those over the years." Castle murmured. "I wanted Beck to have a connection to her. I figured, if she ever came back into Beck's life, I could show her them. Give her some sense of history."

Kate nodded numbly.

"We can stop." Rick offered quietly.

"No." Kate shook her head. "I'm okay. I just, I wasn't expecting it that's all."

Rick nodded, letting her look through them silently.

* * *

Over the next hour or so, they laughed and joked about all the pictures of toddler Becca, covered in art supplies and all varieties of food, while Rick gave her as many back stories as he could remember. There were several Kate had asked him to copy for her already, including, much to Rick's warm gladness, every single one with a 'Mommy' sign.

* * *

"She's so happy." Kate murmured softly, flicking through pictures of Becca in her tiny school uniform from her first day at private school.

"Hmm?" Castle asked quietly, looking up from the pictures from the wallet she'd just looked at.

"You made her so happy." Kate smiled softly. "I'm really glad she had you, Rick. I know how she was brought into this world wasn't perfect, but I couldn't have asked for a better daddy for her."

Castle smiled softly and Kate was pretty sure he was blushing. "I tried my best. Did everything I could to make her childhood special."

"You did it." Kate nodded, smiling gently. "Thank you."

Castle shrugged. "Thank _you_ for her."

Kate shook her head slowly, looking back at the pictures.

"Hey, Kate?" Castle asked quietly.

Kate hummed softly, not raising her eyes from the pictures in her hand.

"Tell me about your pregnancy?" He pleaded softly.

Kate looked up slowly, letting her hands, keeping her grip on the photos, fall into her lap.

"Y'know, if you, if you don't mind." He backtracked quickly.

"I, I don't mind telling you. What, uh, what do you wanna know?" Kate murmured.

"How did you know you were pregnant? Who went with you to your scans and appointments? Did you have morning sickness, if so, how bad? Do you have pictures of when you were pregnant? Did you keep the scan pictures?"

"Okay, okay, whoa." Kate chuckled. She put the photos back in their wallet and put it on the table beside the others. "Okay. Right. How did I know I was pregnant?" Kate started, watching with a smile, as Castle sat back and got comfy. She giggled and shook her head. "I was late by about nine weeks, after our night- but I'd put it down to stress for the first few weeks- and started to get queasy, all the time." She chuckled. "I was sick every time I even _smelt_ coffee, never got close enough to actually drink it."

"Well then you _know_ something's wrong." He chuckled, making her smile.

"I took Maddie and did a test, or three." She smiled. "They all came back positive."

"When did you tell your dad?" Castle asked quietly, knowing his answer as soon as her spine stiffened. "You didn't, did you?" It wasn't really a question.

Kate shook her head slowly.

"Have you ever told him? Does he know that you've found her?"

Kate, again, shook her head. "I stopped going to visit the moment I started showing, at four and a half months, and then didn't go back until after she was born. I couldn't tell him. He was too drunk for it to be safe to bring her up in that household, and he would either have told me to do that, or to not have her at all. It was easier to just not tell him." She shrugged. "If, and when, I'm in her life on a more permanent basis, then I'll have to tell him."

Rick nodded slowly. "Did Maddie go with you to your appointments?"

Kate shook her head. "No, Maddie was at school. I went on my own."

Castle took her hand gently. "I'm sorry I wasn't there, Kate."

"I'm sorry, too. I wish you had been." She told him honestly.

"Did you suffer from morning sickness?" Castle asked quietly, gently changing the subject.

"Mm." Kate hummed. "Something terrible actually." She shook her head with a smile, making Castle match the expression. "All day. I was waitressing to help pay the bills. I got inheritance, so that paid for my apartment and utilities, but food I had to earn. I had to keep rushing to the bathroom between tables." She chuckled. "I actually _lost _weight with Becca."

Rick chuckled. "Did it stop by itself or did you go to a doctor?"

"It stopped, by about week nineteen. From there it was just swollen ankles and back pain." She shrugged with a smile that told him she had enjoyed pregnancy a lot more than she was letting on.

"No heels for a few months, then?" Castle joked, making Kate laugh.

"Nope, flats from month four actually. My tendons just ached too much for heels to be fun any more." She shook her head. "I do have pictures from when I was pregnant, which I'll let you see at some point." She smiled at Rick's grin. "And of course I kept her scan pictures." She murmured, a little hurt he'd even ask, it was written all over her face and it made his heart sink.

"I'm sorry." He whispered.

Kate shook her head. "It's okay. I've got all of that stuff. Our hospital bracelets, the scan pictures, our first and only photo, her hand and foot prints. I've got a memory box. I wanted to keep it all."

"Can I see it, someday?" Castle asked softly.

"I want to show it to Becca first, if that's okay with you?" She was hesitant but Castle nodded quickly.

"Of course. You need to share stuff." Castle hesitated before carefully taking the pile out of Kate's lap, and putting it on the table, before he swapped the boxes over. "Can you do this tonight, or would you rather wait?"

Kate looked at the box cautiously. "What is it?"

"You remember me telling you about how she used to draw pictures, and write letters, to her mom?"

Kate gasped.

"I kept every one, for, kind of _this_ moment, but I'm more than happy to wait if you can't do this all in one hit."

Kate knew it was a lot of information, a lot of emotional upheaval, but she craved the knowledge she was missing. "Can I take the pictures upstairs with me, in a bit? Keep looking?"

"Of course. And I'll make you those copies when ever you like, just make a pile of them and let me know. The envelope they're supposed to be in is written on the back, anyway." Rick smiled when she nodded softly. "So, you wanna see these tonight?"

Castle could see that flinty need for knowledge in her eyes, but was also well acquainted with the struggle he found there too.

"Yes, please." She whispered finally.

Castle gave her a reassuring smile and handed over the box, letting Kate take the lid off with reverence. He could see the tremble in her hand as she lifted out the first picture, one he knew to be painted by a nearly three year old Becca.

The colours were bright and bold, and there were no discernible shapes, but that didn't matter. In the middle, someone had obviously guided her hand, to write the words that brought Kate's heart into her throat and tears to her eyes, 'I Love My Mommy'.

"Rick..." Kate's voice cracked as she looked at him, her eyes drawn back to the picture every few seconds.

"Keep them Kate, they're yours."


	13. Chapter 13

Author's not: I wasn't intending on writing this chapter, but theputz913 asked and she helps so much with this story, and most of my others, that I couldn't not give her it :D

I hope you enjoy it :D NYLF xx

* * *

_Dear Mommy, _

_Today is my birthday. I'm seven today. It's really early though, so I'm not actually seven yet. I was born in the evening, do you remember?_

_Me and daddy are having a party tonight. It's a dress up party. I'm being Belle (from Beauty and the Beast). She's my favourite. Daddy's going as Captain Reynolds, he's a space cowboy captain. Daddy likes the show, but it's finished now. Has been for a while._

_You can come, if you want? Daddy says I look like you, so you could come as Belle too, and we could be twins? That would be cool. _

_Grams is coming as Ursula, the witch from Ariel. Have you watched that film? I like that film. I like the second one too. Melody reminds daddy of me. He says I'm brave like her. And stubborn. He always says I 'get that from my mother'. I hope so. I want to be like you. _

_Anyway, I have to get ready for school. _

_I love you mommy. I hope you can come to my birthday. I'm sure you're busy though. _

_Okay mommy, talk soon._

_Rebecca Katie Castle_

* * *

Kate wiped her eyes, setting the letter down on the pile.

She caught the clock out of the corner of her eye, and wasn't as shocked as maybe she should be, to find that it was nearly three in the morning.

She'd been looking at photos, and all of Becca's pictures, since Castle went to bed around ten, it had been a long day, and she had found her letters to her mom.

She was making her way through them slowly, treasuring the insight into her child's mind.

The first time she'd seen her sign her name, Rebecca Katie Castle, her heart had jumped into her throat, but she was slowly getting used to it. Castle hadn't told her that Becca's middle name was Katie, but he had always said that he wanted her to have a connection to her mom, so she couldn't blame him.

* * *

They'd discussed that night, while they were looking over photos.

Castle had admitted that he didn't remember her, but he remembered bits of the night. He'd always remembered her name, had even tried to find her in the first couple of weeks, but with only a first name, he didn't have a chance.

When a baby had arrived on his doorstep, he'd known it had to be hers, because she was the only woman he had slept with after divorcing Meredith.

Kate had apologised again and again for judging him, but he had shook his head, absolving her easily. He'd been hurt by the fact she had presumed he was so careless and childish that he couldn't raise their daughter, but he had to give her credit, she trusted him enough to give him their baby. Had only started to worry after they met again, nearly ten years later.

* * *

Kate sighed deeply, pushing her hands into her hair and leaning her forehead on her bent knees.

Today, she was going to have the most crucial and important conversation of her life.

She was about to tell her daughter who she really was, and that was making her heart race and her palms sweat.

She was terrified, she couldn't ever say otherwise, wouldn't be able to deny it even if she tried.

She was so grateful for everything Castle had done, and was so proud of where Becca was in her life, but she, selfishly, needed the connection with her baby. She needed Becca to know who she was, who her mom was, even if she didn't want anything to do with her.

If nothing happened from here, if Becca asked her to leave her life, she would respect that, but she deserved to know the truth.

* * *

"Hey." Castle murmured, from behind the counter, when Kate wandered down the stairs, just after seven the next morning.

She gave him a small smile before slumping onto one of the stools and laying her head in her arms, crossed on the marble top.

"Did you get any sleep last night?" He asked softly, turning bacon in the pan as he did.

"Some." She murmured, sitting up, supporting her head in her hand. "Fell asleep around half three ish."

"Nervous?" Rick guessed gently.

Kate shrugged. "And I was reading her letters."

Castle nodded slowly. "Bet that was tough."

She nodded slightly. "She always asked me to come to things. Always talked like I was away for the weekend rather than a woman she'd never met." She ran a hand through her hair.

"I have always told her you were 'away'. She never knew, never had to know, that you had never been there to begin with."

"And her middle name is Katie." Kate whispered.

Rick sighed softly. "I hadn't told you that yet, had I? I'm sorry."

Kate shook her head. "It was a shock, the first time I saw it, but I guess it was a nice touch."

Castle smiled gently, plating eggs, bacon, pancakes and fresh fruit onto a tray, along with a glass of orange juice and the bottle of maple syrup. "I'm just gonna take Beck her breakfast. She's on bed rest the next couple of days."

Kate nodded, smiling tiredly.

"You could go back to bed for a bit, if you wanted?" He offered tenderly.

Kate shook her head. "I won't sleep. I'll have a shower in a minute,that'll wake me up."

Castle nodded. "Okay. Well, help yourself. There's plenty." He nodded to the array of breakfast he'd prepared before making his way over to Becca's room.

Kate sat for a moment, staring into space before serving herself some food. She's eat, then shower, and then see how Rick wanted to handle their conversation.


	14. Chapter 14

Author's Note-For my 22/02 guest, because you asked, I went back and had a look. Not including this chapter, Castle apologises six times, while Beckett apologises ten :D Hope this helps :D

NYLF xx

* * *

When Kate next came downstairs, clad in jeans and a white t-shirt, tying her damp hair in a ponytail, she found Rick with his head in his hands, leaning against the counter.

"Hey." Kate murmured, walking over to him, standing beside him to hip check him gently. "Everything alright?" She continued when he didn't respond.

"I need you to promise me something." He murmured, tilting his head to look at her slowly.

Kate felt her heart rate kick up, but nodded hesitantly all the same. "Okay...?"

"I need you to promise you aren't gonna turn my little girl's world upside down, and then just waltz right out of her life again when it gets hard." He told her straight, his tone stern but not harsh.

Kate felt the possessive term in her gut, them both having called Becca 'theirs' in the last few days, but she understood her history wasn't great.

"I mean it, Kate." He continued when she didn't move. "If you're just going to run if, and when, this doesn't go as you want it to, you can leave now. I care about you Kate, I won't deny it, but _she _is my priority. I'd rather nurse her broken heart now if you leave, than later."

Kate sighed softly.

"I'm not trying to hurt you, but she is my _child_ and I have to protect her. I have to put her needs first, above everyone else."

"I know." Kate whispered. "And I know that my history, especially with _her_, isn't great. I know that you expect me to run when things get hard, and I'm sorry Rick. I'm sorry that I have nothing to help prove that I won't, I'm sorry you have no evidence that I _will _stick this out but," she shrugged, "I guess you're just going to have to trust me."

Castle looked at her and she felt like he could see into the depths of her soul. "If you break her heart..."

"I know." Kate promised him. "But Castle, she's _my_ priority too."

"I know how hard it was for you, she should have been your priority when she was born." He scoffed.

Kate hung her head. "I thought I was doing the right thing. I knew I would mess her up, and I thought she was better off without me."

"You could have stayed." He shook his head, turning away from her to get himself a glass of water, trying to hold his tongue.

"What, you wanted nineteen year old me to turn up on your doorstep, baby in arms, and say what, exactly? 'Hey, she's yours, and I have nowhere to stay?'"

"I would have done everything I could for you both, Kate." Castle told her, not turning around.

"I doubt that." She murmured, shaking her head.

Castle twirled around, catching her elbow when she tried to turn away from him. He gave her a look she couldn't interpret. "You have no idea who I was back then, and I'm understanding that more and more, but if it had meant my daughter was safe and happy, I would have married you."

Kate's breath caught in her chest.

Castle shook his head, letting her go to run his hands through his hair. "I'm gonna go see Beck. When you're ready to start this, come on through." He shook his head and walked quickly towards the ground floor bedroom.

* * *

Kate knocked lightly on the open door, a few minutes later, and was greeted by very different expressions from the two Castle's, but at least Becca was smiling at her.

"Hey, Kiddo." Kate smiled gently. "Can I come in?"

Becca nodded. "Sure. Daddy'll move over and you can come sit with us." She smiled brightly.

Kate smiled softly, rounding the bed to tuck herself on the edge, beside Castle, both adults facing the girl.

Kate found herself looking down at her hands, unable to look at the face in front of her. She hated that she was about to shatter the happy innocence in her eyes.

"Kate, is everything okay?" Becca asked, quietly.

"Baby, we've got something to tell you." Castle started quietly.

Becca suddenly felt nerves flood her synapses. "Dad, what's going on?"

"Whatever happens Beck, we both want you to know that however you want to proceed, is okay, okay?"

Becca nodded slowly.

"Good girl." Castle smiled, gently taking her hand and squeezing it, before dropping it carefully, sensing she'd need space to process everything she was about to hear.

"Becca, do you remember when I used to tell you about your mom?"

The girl nodded slowly, worried now. The fact Kate wasn't making eye contact wasn't helping. Becca was pretty sure the woman was _shaking._

"I wasn't honest with you, Rebecca, and I'm very sorry." Castle continued.

"We're always honest in this house." Becca recited. "That's what you've always told me." She shook her head. "What do you mean you lied?"

Castle sighed. "There was no great love story between your mom and I." He shook his head and Kate could feel his heart breaking when Becca leaned back to put more space between them.

"I," he hesitated, his voice catching, "I met your mom once."

Becca's face crumpled in confusion. "I don't understand." She whispered.

"I met your mom in a club, we both were less than sober and we ended up in bed." Castle murmured.

Becca gasped and both adults felt it deeply. "So how did I end up here?" She asked, anger and hurt fighting in her voice and neither Kate or Rick could blame her for either.

"The day you were born, your mom left you on the doorstep with a note." He murmured softly, removing a well folded piece of paper from his pocket, and passing it to his hesitant daughter.

Becca looked from one adult to the other, before reading the note slowly. This was the first thing she'd ever seen from her mom.

They all sat in silence while she read, and re-read the note in her hands.

"You called me Rebecca Katie for her." She murmured, her brow furrowed.

Castle nodded. "Yeah."

Becca looked up, her blue eyes piercing as she locked onto the detective, freezing her where she sat, finding herself unable to look away from the girl.

"So what, you're my mom? Is that what this big speech is leading up to?"

Kate opened her mouth but found she couldn't speak. She nodded slowly. "Yeah." Her voice broke and she cleared her throat before trying again. "Yes, Rebecca, I'm your mom."


	15. Chapter 15

The entire room froze, waiting for the girl's reaction.

Kate was almost certain, were it biologically possible, her heart would have beaten out of her chest by now, and Rick had no idea how to proceed: the look of absolute heartbreak, creasing his daughter's face, broke his heart.

"I'd like you to leave now." Becca murmured, looking directly at Kate.

The detective's heart sank, but she nodded all the same.

Shooting Castle a quick look- finding only compassion in his eyes- Kate got up from the bed and left the room at a steady pace, despite the urge to run.

Only once she had made it as far as the couch, did she let the tears fall.

* * *

"Beck?" Castle asked quietly, after a moment.

His daughter shook her head. "You should have told me." She murmured. "I don't understand why you lied."

"Becca I, I didn't know _how_ to tell you. I thought I was doing the right thing."

Becca shook her head slowly. "I, I wanna be alone." She murmured, slowly using her arms to lay herself flat, before turning her head away from him.

Castle hesitated, lifting his hand to touch her, hold her, but he thought better of it before he could make contact, dropping his hand and leaving the room, pausing only to close the door behind him.

* * *

Rick made his way out of his office, running a hand through his hair, pausing with his hand on the back of his neck when he saw Kate. The beautiful detective was curled into a ball, at the very edge of his couch, her shoulders shaking with the force of her sobbing.

Castle's chest ached for her.

He shook his head and made his way over, coming to sit beside her. She didn't move, didn't seem to acknowledge his presence at all, so he simply leaned in and curled his body around her, holding her shoulders, his chest pressed against her back, letting his own tears escape uninhibited into her hair.

* * *

"I should have never come back." Kate whispered, some time later.

Rick pulled back, watching as Kate unfurled like a springtime blossom, laying her head against the back of the couch, tilting her face towards the ceiling, tears still falling from her eyes.

"I should have left it be. The moment I realised who you were, I should have run for the hills. I should never have tried to find her, or get in contact. It was so selfish of me, Castle, and now I've hurt her."

Castle sighed softly. "I was the one that lied to her, Beckett." He murmured sadly. "I was the one who made up stories about her mom. About how she had to leave, but she missed her all the time. At one point, I considered setting up an email account, just to send myself emails and tell Beck they were from her mom. You gave her up with the best intentions, and tried with every resource you had to protect her. You didn't spend her entire life lying to her. I'm the one who did that, Kate. I'm the one who has just shaken her very foundations, by telling her I've lied to her about the single most important thing in her life."

"You were trying to protect her." Kate whispered, not willing to let him take the blame for her actions. "If I hadn't been so foolish, you would never have had to lie, never had to put yourself in that position." She shook her head, rolling it on her neck to face him. "I'm sorry, Castle." She murmured, gently taking his hand in her own. Both of them were trembling. "I'm so sorry that I ever made you lie for me. I'm sorry that you couldn't tell her the truth, and I'm sorry that I didn't try and do this sooner. Sorry I didn't have the bottle to just ask where our daughter was when I first crashed your book launch. Maybe if I had..."

"I would have never let you into her life. You would be too volatile a piece of the puzzle. Knowing you for three years, that's what let me trust you enough to talk about her, Kate. I needed to know I could trust you to not hurt her."

"Yeah," Kate scoffed, "look how well that turned out." She shook her head. "I think I should go." She murmured finally.

"Kate..." Castle pleaded as she stood, grabbing her hand in an effort to stop her.

Kate shook her head, gently removing her hand from his.

"Becca has my cell number, give her my desk phone too, if she wants it. I will answer any, and all, of her questions when she's ready to ask them, but right now, if she's as much like me as I think she is, she's gonna need space to process all of this. I shouldn't be here for that. You and her need to talk, need to get back on track and once you've done that, I will be here for you both. But if I stay, I'll just be intruding."

Castle sighed. "You promise me you aren't running."

Kate looked at him, gently, with absolutely no dishonesty. "I'm not running. I'll be on the other end of the phone. But this needs to be lead by her now. It needs to be in her control."

* * *

It had been two and a half weeks since their confession, and neither Castle or Beckett had brought Becca up in conversation.

Rick had returned to the precinct after two days, staying as long as Becca was in school, and not at an appointment, but their conversations rarely strayed from the case.

The boys had noticed the change, had noticed that they flirted less, that Rick was less willing to theorise about the CIA, or aliens, or the mob, but they both knew better than to mention it. Whatever was going on, between their boss and friend, was clearly personal and complicated.

Kate, for her part, had spent her days and nights glued to her phone. She made sure it was only ever on silent in Interrogation, or in the field, and the rest of the time it was out beside her. She was yet to receive a call, not that she was really expecting one.

* * *

Beckett had all but resigned herself to never hearing from the girl again, when, three weeks to the day from their last conversation, Kate's cell rang.

"Hello?" She answered on the last ring, a little frantic, clutching her towel to keep it around her. She'd been in the shower, enjoying her day off, when her phone had rang in her bedroom. She'd almost broken her neck running for it.

"Hi." Becca's voice was still a little cold, but she was talking, and that was almost enough to reduce the detective to her knees.

"Hey. Becca." She murmured softly. "You okay?"

"Yeah." She replied quietly. "Dad's got a party tonight and Grams would like to go. I'm fine staying here alone, but I wondered if you wanted to come over?" She offered bravely.

Kate's heart fluttered, but she reined herself in. She wouldn't take this as anything more than an invite to be company. "Sure. What time? You want me to bring anything?"

"Dad says you have a box? About me?" The girl asked, a little scared, a little defiant.

"I do. Would you like me to bring it with me?" Kate asked quietly. She was terrified about sharing these things with her, but it was only right that the girl was the first one to see them.

"Yes. And pizza." She replied, a false confidence to it that reminded Kate so very much of herself.

"Will do. When do you want me?" Kate smiled softly.

"Dad's leaving at seven, so around then would work."

"Okay. I'll be there." Kate promised, not getting to say another word before Becca hung up.

It wasn't much, but it was progress.


	16. Chapter 16

Author's Note-Hey guys, sorry, had a lot of stuff to deal with recently, all of which stopped me being able to write. Finally got down to it today though.

In other news, in case anyone was interested, I have finally finished my book :D I need to edit it, but I'm basically ready to start the publishing process :D

If anyone knows anyone that can give me a hand getting it seen and contracted by a publisher, please PM me! I would be forever grateful :D

Enjoy NYLF xx

* * *

Kate juggled the shoulder bag, her purse, and the four pizza boxes carefully as she knocked the loft door, at five to seven.

She was shaking where she stood, hadn't been this nervous since the first time she'd had to fire her weapon at someone.

It was Castle who opened the door, and he immediately relieved her of the boxes, flashing her a smile.

"You do realise it's just the two of you, right?" He joked, a little quieter than normal, walking into the kitchen to set the pizza on the counter, letting Kate shut the door behind her.

She carefully put her shoulder bag on the couch, before following him through.

"I wasn't sure which one was her favourite, so I got a selection." She shrugged.

"What did you get?" Rick asked curiously, taking two bottles of water from the fridge, and passing one to Kate, while he cracked the other. It was only then that Kate noticed that he was in a very well fitted, midnight black tuxedo, the blood red shirt beneath it open at the collar, a pocket square in his suit jacket to match.

"Uh," Kate stumbled, dragging her eyes from his outfit- she had always been a sucker for a man in a suit- before shaking herself from her daze. "Pepperoni, Hawaiian, BBQ Meat Feast and Vegetable Supreme. Figured I'd cover all my basis."

Castle nodded slowly, clearly impressed. He opened each box in turn, before finding the pepperoni and took a slice, biting into it before Kate could stop him, making her chuckle when he shrugged.

"It's my favourite." He murmured, leaning over the box to make sure he didn't spill any over his clearly expensive suit.

"Mine too." Kate smiled. "Becca said you had a party?"

Castle nodded, pushing the last of the pizza crust into his mouth, and turning to wash his hands, before coming back to her. "Charity fundraiser. Kids disability. Couldn't really miss it."

Kate's smile turned tender.

"Mother only wants to go for the free bar and dating prospects." Castle sighed, making Kate giggle. "I'm glad Becca called you."

"Did you tell her to?" The detective asked quietly, the question having played on her mind all day.

But he shook his head.

"No. I told her I wasn't hugely comfortable leaving her on her own, just in case something happened again, but I told her, provided she was careful, I could just ask Lilly next door to keep an ear out for her. I didn't even know she'd called, until after she had."

Kate smiled shyly. "I wasn't really expecting her to call."

"It's been a rough couple of weeks." Castle nodded. "She's still very angry, and still very hurt. But I think she's in a place where answers will help more than silence."

"Has she been asking you loads of questions?" Kate asked curiously.

"About you, yeah." Castle sighed softly.

Kate felt her face heat up.

"She wants to know about her mom, Kate. I told her everything I could think of."

"When will you be back?" Beckett asked, after a moment.

Castle looked down at his watch. "Well I'm leaving in a minute- mother's meeting me there- and should be back around, eleven ish, latest? I'll text you, when I'm on my way back."

Kate smiled and nodded.

"Come on, Beck's in her room."

* * *

Kate sat awkwardly while her partner said his goodbyes, giving him a smile and wave when he left, before turning to the girl in front of her.

"I didn't know what you liked." Kate murmured softly, nodding to the four boxes Castle had brought in. "Figured there had to be something you'd enjoy in there."

Becca nodded slowly. "I like them all." She shrugged.

"Awesome." Kate smiled, determined to make this as normal as possible.

Becca nodded slowly. "What's in the bag?" She asked quietly, nodding to the canvas shoulder bag sitting on the end of her bed.

Kate hesitated a moment before sighing, deflating a little.

This was gonna be tough.

"It's the stuff you asked me to bring." She murmured finally.

"Can I see?" Becca asked shyly.

Kate nodded, stretching to grab the bag, dragging it closer and setting it upright in her lap. She flicked her gaze between the bag, and Becca, noting the hesitant enthusiasm on her face, before taking a deep breath and taking out the two shoe boxes inside. She set the top one beside her before holding onto the bottom. "Before we do this Becca, I just, I want you to know that showing you this..."

"Kate, I just want to see. I don't know if anything will change, or if this will make it alright, but I just want to know." Becca murmured.

Kate nodded twice, before carefully passing Becca the box in her lap, the absolute reverence written across the detective's face making the girl's heart ache.

Becca had spent two weeks being angry at her, for abandoning her, for not caring enough to fight for her, but the look on her face as she handled that box, it was making Becca question everything she'd been feeling.

* * *

Kate watched closely, as her daughter finally opened the box Kate had been adding to since the day she had left her.

The first thing she took out was the polariod of Kate's first scan, at twelve weeks gestation.

"Is this me?" Becca asked quietly, not looking up from the picture.

Kate smiled softly. "Yup. First time I got to see you." There was nothing but awed excitement in her voice, just as there had been the day she'd had that scan.

"I, uh, can you really see me in this?" Becca asked, incredulous. She turned it end on end but still couldn't work out what she was supposed to be looking at.

Kate chuckled. "Can I?" She asked, nodding towards the space next to her when Becca looked up. The young girl hesitated only a moment, before nodding shyly.

Kate smiled softly, before carefully crawling up the bed, still very much aware of the pain the girl must be in, after her fall.

Kate settled back against the pillows and leaned over. "Look." Kate pointed, circling her finger around the biggest white blob at the left side. "That's your head."  
"Really?" Becca asked, unsure. "I look like an alien."

Kate chuckled and Becca looked up at her, a small smile on her face. "I thought that too, when they first put you on screen." Kate laughed. "But you were still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

Becca smiled softly as she put the polariod to the back of the pile and picked out the next one. "See, I look more like an actual baby in this one." She giggled, making Kate laugh.

"You do." She chuckled. "Can you tell where you are in this one?"

Becca giggled. "There." She pointed to the, this time, distinctly face-shaped head. "How far are you gone for this one?"

"Twenty one weeks. I was still so tiny, I was never very big, you'll see when you get to those pictures. I remember, there was this woman, mid-thirties ish, and she looked down at my stomach and asked if I was 'excited to see my baby for the first time'." Kate laughed, shaking her head. "Her face when I told her I was six months gone." She smiled and Becca grinned. "I think the next picture is me pregnant, actually."

Becca took out the next picture and couldn't help but stare. She'd been right, Kate wasn't big, but there was the distinct roundness of a baby bump protruding from her abdomen.

"I'm eight months and three weeks pregnant there." Kate murmured wistfully. "You were born five days later."

"Was it painful?" Becca asked quietly.

Kate smiled softly. "Yup." She chuckled, shaking her head. "Most painful thirteen and a half hours of my life." She winced in remembrance.

"Sorry." Becca chuckled.

Beckett laughed. "Baby girl, you were worth all the pain in the world." She beamed before reigning it in. "Sorry." She shook her head, looking down at her lap self-consciously.

"It's okay." Becca smiled.

She quietly looked through a few more pictures of Kate, while she was at various stages of her pregnancy, before reaching the end of the pictures and putting them back, reaching back into the treasure trove of her past.

"Ha!" Becca exclaimed, pulling out her hospital bracelet. "Was I really this tiny?"

Kate smiled gently. "Yeah. You were _so_ small. Six pound, three ounces. Oh you were the tiniest, most impossibly beautiful thing I had ever seen."

"Why did you give me away, Kate?" Becca asked quietly, shy and pained, and it tore the detective apart.

Kate turned in her space, curling one of her legs beneath her so she could see her.

She gently cupped the side of her daughter's head and turned her to face her. "I can never apologise enough for my actions that night." Kate murmured, waiting for Becca to look up before continuing. "But I _can_ promise you, I _never_ forgot you. Never stopped caring, or loving you." Kate closed her eyes, shaking her head, trying not to cry. Becca didn't need to see that. "I wish, with all my heart, I could have thought of a better option, but I couldn't. I thought you'd be safer, and happier, with your dad."

Becca sighed. "I, I don't understand it. Don't think I ever will."

Kate nodded, dropping her hands to her lap, feeling disappointment set up camp in her gut.

"But I _do_ understand that you were trying your best. I don't understand, or like, the way you did it. But I understand the reasoning behind it. I, I don't forgive you yet, Kate, but I'm not mad."

Kate smiled brightly and leaned in to kiss her forehead, pushing her luck but it seemed to be accepted.


	17. Chapter 17

Castle let himself in the front door just after half eleven, his suit jacket over his arm, another button popped on his shirt.

He carefully threw his keys onto the side table and set everything else on the breakfast bar, before getting himself a bottle of water.

He sipped slowly, quietly observing his silent home.

Everything seemed to be in its rightful place, there didn't seem to be any blood splatter or crime scene paraphernalia, he observed wryly, so it seemed the girls hadn't killed each other. That had to be a good sign.

He shook his head, re-capping his half empty bottle and putting it back in the fridge, before quietly making his way over to the downstairs bedroom.

* * *

"Hey." Kate greeted quietly, when he peaked his head through the door.

Castle couldn't help but smile at the scene. Their daughter was fast asleep, curled on her side, her head in her mother's lap, while Kate, it seemed, flipped mindlessly through the TV channels.

"I did ask if it was comfy, but she said it was." Kate chuckled, motioning to the girl's position.

"Provided she isn't on her incision scar, she seems to be happy in any position. It's just moving she struggles with." He murmured. "Good night?" He asked quietly, taking in all four empty pizza boxes surrounding them. He had no idea where the slim detective could possibly put all that food, but he was impressed.

"Yeah." Kate smiled, gently stroking hair away from Becca's face. "We talked. I showed her some stuff from when I was pregnant, then we watched films. It was good. Cathartic." She smiled up at him. "How about you? Did Martha pull?" She giggled at his wince.

"No, thank _god_." He chuckled. "No, it went well. I gave a bit, talked a lot, enjoyed the night more than I thought I would, actually."

Kate smiled. "Good."

She carefully tried to get up without disturbing the slumbering child, and Castle hurried to her side, gently sliding the back of his hand along her thigh to ease under Becca's cheek.

Kate suppressed her gasp at the unexpected contact before slowly sliding out from under Becca's head and carefully wedging a pillow in her place.

Once Castle had made sure Becca was comfy, tucked in, and had kissed her goodnight, he motioned for Kate, now carrying the empty boxes, to follow him out into the living room.

* * *

"You want a drink?" Castle asked, slowly pouring his favourite red into a red wine glass, while Kate flattened the pizza boxes and threw them away.

"Sure." She smiled at him over her shoulder. "But only a little one?"

Castle hummed affirmatively and poured her a half glass, setting the wine back in its place before she came back to his side.

Kate crossed her arms on the counter and leaned her head down on them, pushing her hips back into an attractive, but exhausted, curve.

He couldn't help but gently set his hand on the base of her back. "You okay?" He murmured, sliding her glass against her fingertips. Kate moved her two first fingers to rest against the base, her entire body canting towards him unconsciously.

"That was tough." She murmured, rolling her head to face him.

Castle smiled softly. "I bet."

The detective took a deep breath, fortifying herself, as she pushed herself upright, dislodging his hand. She shook her head as she exhaled, taking a deep sip from her glass.

"It went okay though?" Castle asked quietly.

She nodded. "Yeah. She hasn't forgiven me. I wouldn't expect her to have, doubt she ever will fully." She shook her head when Rick opened his mouth to refute her. "I'm okay. She's not mad any more. I can work with that, Rick. I don't need anything more at this point."

Castle leaned down impulsively and pressed his lips to her forehead.

"What was that for?" Kate breathed when he pulled away.

"I'm really glad you're finally making the right decisions." He murmured.

"I'm trying, Rick. I can't do more than that."

Castle nodded.

"There's two shoe boxes in her room." She started randomly, turning to put her back to the counter, cradling her glass to her chest.

"You want me to go get them?" Her partner asked, motioning over his shoulder.

"No. I'm happy to leave them here for now," she smiled, "but I want you to make sure you see at least the first one."

He looked at her curiously, leaning his hip against the edge.

"It's the box I kept while I was pregnant. It's got her scan pictures, and hospital bracelet, and things. It's stuff you'll probably need to see."

"Okay." He smiled and Kate could see the excitement in his eyes.

"The other is, mainly for her, but if she's willing to share, it might be interesting for you." She shrugged under his curious gaze. "I wrote letters." She murmured, her eyes set firmly on the floor.

"Kate, you don't have to lay yourself bare here. If you want to keep stuff to yourself, you _are _allowed." He was quick to assure her.

"I know. But," she shook her head, feeling silly. "They're for her anyway. And no, I never really intended her to read them, never thought I'd have a chance to give them to her, but they're hers, Rick." She murmured, her voice thickening dangerously.

"Kate..." he started softly.

Kate shook her head, giving in and turning into him, resting her head on his shoulder, as she wrapped her free hand around his back. Castle jumped, unsure of what to do, but the moment he felt her breathing stutter he set down his glass, and took hers, wrapping her warmly in his arms and holding her firmly.

* * *

"I'm sorry." Kate murmured, gently wiping her eyes as she pulled away a few minutes later.

"Hey." He murmured softly, gently taking her hand. "Becca may be my priority in this situation, but I still care about you. I can't imagine what this might be like for you, Kate."

"My feelings..." she started, ready to dismiss his concerns but he squeezed her hand.

"Still matter." He finished for her. "You made some silly choices, but you're working to make them right, and that's what matters now."

"I can't thank you enough for everything you've done, everything you continue to do, Rick." Kate murmured softly.

"Just keep showing up, Kate. That's thanks enough."


	18. Chapter 18

"Dad?" Becca called across the intercom system a few days later.

Castle set down his laptop and hurried towards the downstairs bedroom, there had been a wobble to her voice he didn't like.

"Hey, you okay?" He asked quietly.

Becca shook her head. "I need to see Kate." She murmured.

Castle sighed. "I'll text her, ask if she can come down after..."

"No." Becca interrupted quickly. "Daddy I need to see her now."

"Babe..." He tried but Becca shook her head.

"I need you to help me transfer. I need to see her now!"

Rick saw through the, very Beckett, determination on her face, to the vulnerable young girl on the verge of tears beneath, and nodded at once.

* * *

Kate sighed deeply, her frustration palpable to every one around her. Ryan and Esposito were happily keeping their distance, wanting to stay as far away from the boss who threw her coffee, and favourite mug, in the bin less than half an hour ago.

She ran her hands through her hair, again, before shaking her head at herself and scraping the played-with-greasy tresses into a bun.

She'd been stuck on a lead for two days, and neither Becca, nor Castle had been in contact. She was going mad with worry, and her stress levels were rising very quickly.

Castle hit the button for the elevator, now becoming rather concerned for his silent little girl.

She hadn't said a word since he had agreed to take her to the precinct, and would barely even look at him.

He was scared, he was able to admit that, but the fact that apparently only Beckett could help her, pulled at something he didn't like in his gut.

* * *

The moment the doors opened, Becca flew out of the elevator, stopping only long enough to check the detective was at her desk, before speed wheeling her way to her.

"Kate." Becca murmured, gratefully.

Kate jumped, almost sure she was hallucinating until she looked up and saw the girl beside her. Kate quickly looked for Rick, finding him and giving him a nod, before she turned back to her daughter. "Hey." She murmured softly, all traces of her frustration buried in front of the worried face of her kid. "You okay? What are you doing here?"

Becca shrugged. "I, I needed to see you." She murmured, suddenly shy. "Should I not have come?"

Beckett shook her head with a soft smile. "You're always welcome." She assured her. "I just don't understand what prompted this particular visit."

"Can, can we talk?" Her daughter murmured, vulnerable and sad in a way Beckett couldn't understand.

"Of course. Me, you and dad..." Beckett broke off on Becca's head shake.

"Just me and you?"

Kate's eyes immediately found Castle's and felt her heart sink at the jealousy in his eyes. But he nodded all the same, and Kate gave him a smile before turning back to their daughter.

"Of course. Break room?"

Becca nodded and wheeled herself away. Kate stood and turned to Castle, stood just a little way away.

"What happened?" She asked softly.

Castle shrugged. "She was reading in her room and suddenly desperately needed to see you. I don't get it."

"Me either." Kate murmured, worrying her lower lip.

"Look Kate, I don't like that I'm no longer enough for my little girl sometimes," she tried to interrupt but he shook his head, "I just need her to go back to normal. If you can do that, I'm okay."

Kate nodded and squeezed his arm gently in solidarity, before swiftly making her way over to the tiny young girl in her break room.

* * *

"So...?" Kate started softly, leaning against the counter,opposite Becca, while the girl looked directly at the floor, rocking her wheels back and forth slightly.

They both stayed silent for almost a minute before Kate broke and moved to crouch before her daughter.

"Hey, baby, I can't help if you don't talk to me." Kate murmured, gently stroking her thumbs across the girl's knees.

"I, I read your letters." Becca murmured, barely loud enough for her mother to hear.

"Okay." Kate murmured, the question inherent in the word.

"There was one, right in the back, I, I don't think you intended it to ever reach me. It was unfinished but, Kate it was covered in your tears."

Kate's breath caught, there were some bad nights early on, but she thought she'd destroyed all of those letters.

"You bring it with you?" Kate asked quietly.

Becca nodded, pulling a single sheet of paper from beneath her leg and passing it to the woman, now sat on the floor in front of her.

_Baby Girl,_

_I know I will never deserve your forgiveness for what I have done. I understand that your daddy and you will both hate me, and baby girl, I would expect nothing less. I was selfish, and cruel, and you were the most precious thing, sent to me when I did nothing to deserve such a miracle, and I squandered you. I threw you away and baby, I will never forgive myself. I will hate myself, far more than you ever can, trust me. I wish I could hold you tonight baby. I wish I could have you in my arms and hold you close, keep you safe, make sure you're warm and nurtured, and fed and happy. But I ruined it all and I'm so very sorry my angel. You are so beautiful and you are destined for such great and fantastical things and I hope by god that you achieve everything you are capable of because, believe it or not, you come from so much love my darling, your mommy loves you so much and I will always regret leaving you behind..._

Kate folded the sheet up, careful to keep to the already well worn crease lines. She cleared her throat and shook her head.

"Kate?" Becca murmured, gently reaching out to touch her fingers to the detective's shoulder. Kate jumped. "Sorry." Becca whispered, dropping her hand immediately, fearful at the tremble quickly engulfing her mom.

"I..." Kate shook her head, finally looking up at her daughter, shocking the eleven year old with the tears pooling in her already red eyes. "I'm gonna go get your dad. I..." she shook her head again and stood up to leave, but Becca caught up with her and caught the back of her shirt.

"No. You always run away. It's not fair, you can't keep running from this, from _me!_" Becca shouted.

Kate turned around and faced her little girl, every muscle shaking with a leaf in a hurricane. "I don't deserve you, Becca. Your father is a brilliant man because he took you in, and he raised you, and he helped you become this amazing beautiful young woman that you are but baby, that's nothing to do with me. I _abandoned _you! My stunning, day old baby girl! I _abandoned _you! I left you, having no knowledge that you would be safe and I can't ever forgive myself for that. I don't deserve your forgiveness, or your dad's. I deserve to have to watch you both be happy from the sidelines, and not allow myself any credit or even a single atom of the light you're gonna bring to this world Rebecca. Because I was too selfish and too messed up to even _try_ to keep you. I'm a disgrace Becca. And you're better off without me." Kate finished, tears pouring down her face as she crossed the room and sank onto the couch, her head in her hands as Becca watched the strongest woman she knew sob.


	19. Chapter 19

Becca hesitated for a moment, before slowly wheeling over to the sobbing ball of a woman, hunched as far as she could over her own knees.

The young girl sighed deeply before turning her chair round and slowly, painfully, transferring to the couch.

She pushed the chair away with a shove, and used every ounce of upper body strength she had to wiggle closer to her, so very broken, mother.

"You know," she started conversationally, "we aren't all that different." Becca murmured. "Dad told me about your mom, told me that she wasn't, that she had died when you were nineteen."

She paused, trying to gauge the reaction she was getting, but there was no change. She shrugged before continuing.

"I cried for you that night. Was so grateful that my mom was out there somewhere, and I didn't have to deal with the thought of never ever seeing her, never getting to know her, getting to talk to her, getting to be hugged by her." She sighed softly. "I always ask where a person's mom is. It's a thing I do. Dad says it's a thing I've _always_ done." She paused. "I'm not nineteen, and you are still here, but I'm you, kind of, just backwards?" Becca shook her head. "I'm no good at this feelings stuff, dad's better. Always says that I must get it from my mom, from you." She murmured.

"Look. This is always gonna be weird." She stated. "I've never had a mom and you've never had a kid, it's gonna be complicated and stuff but, I mean, I'm willing to give this a chance." Becca hesitated, her throat closing at even the thought of voicing the next bit. "If, I mean, if you want to, if you want, me?" Her voice cracked and Kate's eyes flew to meet hers.

"I, oh Becca, of course I want you." She cried, not even hesitating in wrapping her arms around the girl, when Becca fell into her side. "Baby I have always wanted you. More than anything in this entire world."

Becca's composure fell apart and her chest rattled as she choked out broken sobs into her mom's shoulder, finally knowing what her mother's arms felt like around her.

"Baby, I loved you from the moment that test told me you were growing inside me. I just," Kate gulped, gaining some composure "I don't want to screw this up. You deserve better than a mom who waited eleven years to get in touch, and then has no idea how to _be_ a mom. Beck, you deserve the entire world."

"But I don't _want_ the world." Becca sighed, pulling herself up, dabbing her eyes with her sleeve. "You know what I want, more than anything? More than being able to walk by myself again? More than unlimited chocolate and extended snow days? Even more than The Incredibles two?"

Kate chuckled and shook her head. "No, what do you want even more than all that?"

"You." Becca said plainly, shocking Kate into blank silence. "All I've _ever_ wanted was you, Kate. I wanted my mom so desperately, and then I met you, and you were awesome, and the closest I've ever had, and you were brilliant. I, I kinda pretended you _were_ my mom for a bit."

Kate smiled sadly.

"And then I found out that you were, and yeah, that kinda sucked because it meant you had both lied to me, but," Becca ran her hand through her hair, looking so much like a mini version of Kate it made the detective jump, "I got over it and it was the most perfect situation." She shrugged softly. "I just didn't get, _don't_ get, the impression you want to be a mom."

Kate opened her mouth, to once again reassure her, but Becca shook her head.

"I know you want me. That's not what I'm asking. I need to know, and you need to work out, is if you wanna be a _mom_. Not if you want _me_, but if you actually want to be a _parent_ or if you'd rather just stay a friend of the family."

Becca winced with every movement, but managed to drag herself back into her chair, and fix her shirt. "I'm gonna go home. Just, come by, when you've made your decision?" She asked quietly before wheeling away.

* * *

She didn't even get to the door before something pulled her chair back.

She turned the best she could in her seat to face the damp but decisive face of the detective.

"I have no idea what I'm doing. I haven't done a great job so far, and that sucks and you have every right to hate me for that but," Kate hesitated before her face softened. "Becca, I'd be honoured to be your mom. I wanna learn how to be the parent you need. I want you to be proud to call me your mother, and I'm gonna work day and night to do that for you."


End file.
